


Final Promises

by jupiter_james



Series: Saving Ourselves [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:52:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is Part 3 (the final) of my MShenko series, beginning with "Brain Camp" and "Maiden Voyage". In this series, Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard are reunited aboard the <i>Normandy</i> for the final push to take back Earth.</p><p>As with "Maiden Voyage", you do not need to have read the previous parts to understand this one, but events in this part will refer back to the other two parts, so please do read it if you have the time and inclination! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!</p><p> </p><p>  <i></i><br/><b>Chapter 09 now features art by the wonderful, talented <a href="http://tovaras.tumblr.com/">Tovaras</a>! It's beautiful!</b><br/> </p><p> </p><p>  <i> Chapter 13: An end, once and for all. <b>This chapter is NSFW!</b></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Horizon

"May I have a moment of your time, Commander?"

Shepard said yes, even though Miranda was the last person he wanted to see right now. She stepped into his cabin and approached the bed where Shepard was sprawled out. He didn't bother to close his omni-tool; Miranda read all his messages, anyway, sent or unsent. He gave her credit for not bothering to lie to him about having privacy. "The Illusive Man advised you not to contact Staff Commander Alenko," she said.

Shepard tapped a finger to the tool rhythmically and then shut it off. "He has no say in my personal affairs."

Miranda sat on the edge of the bed, crossing her legs and smoothing out the wrinkles she created on the comforter. "You may not believe it, but he probably wasn't saying it to make your life miserable."

"Oh, yeah?" he answered with heavy sarcasm. "Like there's no ulterior motive for cutting me off from my old life?"

Miranda smiled. "Shepard, you have a reputation for being stubborn and thick-headed. It would be a waste of time trying to prevent you from doing something you've set your mind on."

Shepard scrubbed his hands over his shorn hair. "Then why?"

She touched his knee. "Because you might end up hurting Commander Alenko again. Did you think of that?"

He paused. Hurt Kaidan again? How? He shook his head. "No."

"Shepard, there's a very good chance we're not coming back from this mission. Think of it from Kaidan's point of view. He's been mourning your loss for two years. Right now he thinks you're dead. What would happen if you showed up after all this time, rekindled things, and then died again? Dealing with the death of a lover is one thing, but dealing with it twice? How would you cope?"

Shepard clasped his fingers behind his head and leaned back into the pillows. Walking in someone else's shoes wasn't really his game. He hadn't stopped to consider Kaidan in the equation, though it seemed completely obvious now that Miranda had said something. A deep ache having nothing to do with his implants settled into his chest. Kaidan. He imagined his funeral after the destruction of the SR-1. His friends and crew gathered in Vancouver, solemn and dry-eyed. What would Kaidan have looked like? Would that tight muscle in his jaw have twitched as he tried to keep calm? How many days would he have woken up reaching for Shepard until it stopped being a habit? Shepard cleared his throat. _Don't go there_. "Yeah," he said. "I get it."

Miranda's sympathetic eyes hurt his pride. Thankfully, she stood and made to leave. At the door, she turned back around. "For what it's worth, Commander, I'm sorry. I know how close you two were."

"Thank you, Miranda." He didn't mean the words.

"Get as much rest as you can. We'll reach Horizon in twelve hours."

"Right."

* * *

Shepard took it on the chin when Delan blamed him for half the colony being taken by the Collectors. He blamed himself, too. He let Delan talk until Miranda's patience wore thin enough to cut him off. "We should go, Shepard."

He saw the man put two and two together. His name registered, though Delan was far from impressed. Shepard found his attitude refreshing in a strange way. He wasn't a hero anymore or the Alliance's mouthpiece. He'd stepped over a line that even the best intentions couldn't re-cross. Not that it mattered. He'd made peace with the likely outcome of the suicide mission since the moment he'd agreed to help the Illusive Man. What other choice did he have? Commander Shepard didn't exist in this life now. Just John Shepard, Cerberus bedmate.

A voice broke though his grim musings. At first, he failed to register the significance of it. He simply moved his gaze from Delan to the left where it originated. His heart stopped when Kaidan emerged from behind the supply crates looking absolutely perfect. Whatever he was saying to Delan didn't make any sense to Shepard's ears. His brain locked down completely so that even plain English felt like an alien tongue. Until Kaidan stopped a foot away from him and said, "Shepard. I thought you were dead."

Shepard's hand reached out purely by reflex and pulled Kaidan to his chest. He could feel the trembling even through their armor. He wanted to believe that it was shock and happiness driving it, but he knew Kaidan too well to fool himself. Kaidan's breathing was too unsteady. His embrace too tight. His muscles too stiff. He was angry.

He had to fix this. He attempted to jolt his brain into action, but all he could say was, "you sound angry." _Forgive me, Kaidan._

Kaidan pulled away with a huff. "Of _course_ I'm angry. You were gone for two years and haven't contacted anyone. I thought..." He spread his hands with a grimace like the next words were being dragged from him unwillingly. "I thought we had something, Shepard. I loved you. And now this?"

Despite the combined sweetness and harshness of the gut punch, Shepard could only focus on the verb tense. _Loved_. He reached out, but Kaidan jumped back. "I was in a coma for two years. Cerberus put me back together." _I didn't want you to mourn for me twice._

Brown eyes widened, taking the time to register Shepard's companions and the insignia on their uniforms. "Cerberus." He made the word sound like a curse.

Once again, his mouth formed words before his brain checked in. "You could come with us, Kaidan. I could use someone I trust on my team." _I'd come back if you told me to, Kaidan. I'd die with you, Kaidan._

Kaidan's face twisted to an expression of disbelief mixed with something darker. Something that made Shepard's stomach turn. "Cerberus is the enemy," Kaidan said, voice hollow and even. "And you're working for them now? How could you? Shepard, for all we know, they're _behind_ this."

Attempting an authoritative posture, Shepard crossed his arms over his chest. "Let's get one thing straight," he bit through his own rising anger, "I _don't_ work for Cerberus; they work for me." _I need you to understand._

Kaidan broke his gaze with a strangled sound like a cough. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I'm Alliance. I'll never work for a terrorist organization. I can't trust Cerberus." His eyes locked on Shepard's again. Bold. Challenging. "And I can't trust you." He took two steps backwards and his posture seemed to crumble for a moment. Without raising his head, he said, "just... take care of yourself, Shepard." And with that, he was gone. Kaidan was gone.

Shepard's feet might as well have been nailed into the ground. That was it? After all they'd been through, Kaidan's 'ridiculous faith' in them was undone? He made a move to chase after him, but his brain finally returned to stall him with the thought, _you would have done the same in his position._ Cerberus _was_ the enemy. They _did_ work at cross purposes with the Alliance. But they were also the only ones acting right now.

Shepard hit the com on his visor. "Joker, get us out of here. I've had enough of this colony."

* * *

Back on the _Normandy_ Shepard numbly performed his return duties. He reported to the Illusive Man. Checked his weapons and armor. Answered messages from the crew. Then he waved off Miranda, Jacob, and Garrus as they separately tried to ambush him on his way to the elevator. He entered his cabin and the door closed on silence so thick it made his ears ring. He walked to his desk and pressed his palms to the cold metal, leaning his full weight on his hands. Stared at his model ships. Turned his eyes to the picture of Kaidan. Picked up his medal of honor. Paused. Swung around and threw the medal with all of his strength at the wall beside the fish tank. The frame shattered on impact. But it wasn't enough. His private terminal followed along with his books and folders. Finally he sent his chair into the case holding his ships. The shatter and collapse was deafening. Shards of glass and plastic models rained on top of him and he bowed his head against the deluge. 

Silently he swept the debris off of his shoulders and head and stepped through the wreckage to his bed. He collapsed on top of the comforter in his clothes and boots, falling asleep to more dreams of fire and fog and directionless woods.

When he returned to his cabin the following evening, everything was repaired and replaced, minus his model ships. Like it hadn't even happened. Like none of it mattered. No one said anything to him about the incident.

* * *

In the final hours before passing through the Omega relay, Miranda advised the crew to write their last will and testament. One copy would be secured on outside servers if the worst happened, while another copy should be saved to their omni-tools, in case their bodies were recovered. Shepard didn't write his. He walked the length of the _Normandy_ by himself to take stock of what he did and did not have. The 'did not' column seemed a lot more important. His cabin held nothing of any personal value, save for the picture of Kaidan and his old, battered N7 helmet. Both of those could be replaced easily. But as far as 'did not'... Shepard stopped in front of the galaxy map. Glanced around the CIC one last time. Set the course for the Omega relay. Then he opened Kaidan's last message to him. An apology for his attitude on Horizon. A wish that they might work things out someday. Words of love without there being any actual words of love. Shepard uploaded the message to his omni-tool and forwarded it to the secure server in place of his last will and testament. After all, those words were all he had left, and they weren't even his to begin with.

* * *

There must have been some sort of poetic justice to the fact that the day Anderson let Shepard out of his house arrest happened to be the only sunny day Vancouver had seen for the past month. He wasn't bitter to hear that Alliance command only wanted him for his expertise on the Reapers. He deserved his punishment; was willing to pay for every last second of his time with Cerberus before finally telling the Illusive Man to go to hell. The right choice hadn't been a good choice, but he wasn't about to give up now that he might have a second chance. Until his dues were paid in full, he willingly put his personal feelings on lock-down. Resolved to own up to his crimes. Longed to be allowed to be worth _something_ again to the people who mattered most.

Therefore, seeing Kaidan again outside the command chambers didn't immediately strike him dumb. His head was clear, if not his conscience. He looked the newly-minted major in the eyes and smiled confidently, putting all the pieces into their proper order. He wasn't worthy of this man, anymore, but he could fix it. He had to, otherwise the weight of the sacrifices - the weight of the mission - would crush him for sure.

So when Earth burned around them and Shepard took his leap of faith onto the _Normandy's_ open docking bay, clapping hands with Kaidan as he was hauled aboard, he felt that brief thrill he'd been numb to since returning to Earth. He was back. He was home. And he was going to fight until his last breath to make all of this right. No more lives were going to be lost needlessly on his watch. This was the darkness before the dawn, and Commander Shepard knew what he had to do.


	2. Mars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan falls on Mars. Shepard tries to pick up the pieces on the Citadel.

Shepard had expected for Kaidan to take his normal avoidance approach to dealing with him after his return to the _Normandy_. And on their way to Mars, he did exactly that. So it came as a healthy shock when Kaidan's temper flared as they waited for the airlock to pressurize at the research facility. Shepard attempted his usual brush-off of Kaidan's uncomfortable questions, and instead of backing down, Kaidan acted every bit the superior officer he was and snapped, "don't 'Kaidan' me. This is business."

Business. Sure. Nothing more, nothing less. Shepard expected as much, but it still stung. He tried a direct attack, hoping Kaidan would remember enough of their history to at least believe him when he said he wasn't in bed with Cerberus, but apparently their history was just that now. History.

On any other day he'd have been able to mask his hurt, but he'd just seen Earth destroyed. He'd just returned to the _Normandy_. The tide of too much loss and undeserved gain washed easily over his defenses and he said, "you of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan."

That certainly gave the other man pause. Shepard had dealt a low blow, but he couldn't keep letting Kaidan think he'd put their past aside. That he wasn't affected. That he wasn't still _human_.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan answered after a long moment. And his sincerity made a difference.

However, sorry didn't stop suspicion. When Shepard unmasked the dead Cerberus agent and Kaidan took a look at the ruined face and then demanded to know if Shepard was the same... well, the commander stopped being civil. He'd played the nice guy card. He'd tried to see things from Kaidan's perspective. But being called a monster? The sucker punch made him ache.

He let his anger and hurt speak freely this time around. "How could you even think that? I'm nothing _like_ that thing! And I'm done justifying myself to you. We clear, Major?" _Is there anything left in you that can see me for what I really am, Kaidan?_

Of course, Kaidan had every right to question him. So did everyone else in the damn galaxy. However, Shepard simply could not stand for being called a Cerberus puppet or a monster. Not by Kaidan. Not by anyone. He couldn't afford be pinned down anymore by accusations. He didn't necessarily need his crew's trust for the moment - no amount of talking could achieve that, only actions could. For now he'd settle for their obedience. Kaidan may have outranked him, but he wasn't the CO. Technically he could question Shepard without being labeled as insubordinate, but Shepard was willing to pull his rank as CO. All he needed right now was Kaidan's ability to follow orders. Mending bridges could come later. Shepard clung to the hope that Kaidan would absolve him one day, while at the same time accepting that he might have reached the limits of his XO's forgiveness.

Even so, he gradually noticed Kaidan's eyes following him during the mission. Likely watching for any hint of malice or Cerberus brainwashing. He hoped there was more to it than that. Liara seemed to think there was. He admitted to her that he knew _exactly_ how much he really had to lose. Even he wasn't ready to admit he might have already lost it unless he heard it directly from Kaidan himself.

He resolved to let it go for now. To give it time. Let it rest. Prove to Kaidan that the man he'd become wasn't any different than the man he had been in any important ways.

* * *

But that time was cut impossibly short. Shepard watched, frozen in horror, as the Cerberus mech planted her hand directly over Kaidan's mask, lifted him off his feet, and asked emotionlessly for her orders.

 _Fucking_ move _, Shepard!_ His sidearm felt like it weighed a ton as he bolted from cover and leveled it at the mech. No clean shot presented itself, and he'd never forgive himself if he shot Kaidan. For the first time in the field, Shepard was lost. Completely. He had no plan. No idea how to do this. What if he moved wrong and never got the chance to right what he'd overturned?

Kaidan's strangled cry over the com link finally thawed Shepard's feet. "Let him go!" Damned if you don't... he shouted as he watched Kaidan's body break. Heard the bones shatter through his earpiece. Listened to the air being ripped forcefully from his lungs. Saw his limp body crumble to the ground. He emptied his thermal clip into the mech as it charged him. It went down with a graceless thud.

Shepard was at Kaidan's side, cursing the battered armor he couldn't see under, and trembling because Kaidan's com link was dead. No way to know if he was still breathing. Shepard gathered him up, grasping tightly and willing Kaidan to hold on as sandpaper tears burned his throat. Damned if you do.

It felt like an eternity before they were back aboard the _Normandy_. Like he was sinking in quicksand as Liara tended to Kaidan as best she could. "He needs a doctor."

The Citadel. That singular thought pulled him through the miasma of guilt and grief. "We need to go to the Citadel." _Don't panic. You can't panic. Get the job done._ Kaidan simply couldn't die on him. He refused to believe it. Pushed the possibility from his mind. Denied, denied, denied. 

But as soon as the doctors hauled Kaidan away with doubt in their voices as to his condition, Shepard caved. His brain screamed a nightmare in his head, but he spoke calmly over the howling. "Let's go meet the Council." That's right. He'd return once the doctors had the chance to do their work. No use sitting around waiting for news. Good news. Had to be.

* * *

Kaidan wasn't waking up. The doctors said things like "critical condition" and "lucky to be alive." They wouldn't let Shepard into the ICU until he abused his Spectre access for a second time and went in anyway. Once he stepped through the door he wished he'd left it well enough alone. He couldn't look directly at Kaidan at first. His gaze slide from the machines to the walls to the impressive view of the Citadel. Everyone going about their lives as normal. Seeing those normal people juxtaposed against his dread made Shepard feel incomprehensibly lonely.

He turned to the bed. Stepped as close as he dared to the machines and wires. Drank in Kaidan's swollen and bruised face. Memorized it as accurately as he had memorized Kaidan's face back at Brain Camp. 

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," he said in a low voice even though he wanted to shout until his voice gave out if it would just wake him up. "There's a lot I should..." No, that wasn't what he needed to hear - if he could hear anything at all. "You're a hell of a soldier. The galaxy needs you." _No use holding back now._ "... _I_ need you."

He stood at the foot of the bed, fists clenched, listening to the silence. Something on the monitors jumped and beeped. Doctors and nurses arrived, though no one seemed particularly alarmed. "Can he hear me?"

The Salarian doctor shrugged. "Probably. Brain activity appears to indicate as much. We need to run some more tests now. Please step out of the room."

Shepard stopped in the doorway. Turned back. "Fight this, Major," he said softly enough that he almost hoped Kaidan couldn't hear. "That's an order."

He wandered aimlessly back towards the docking bays. To the mission. The fight. Was this how it was always going to be between them? Crashing into each other only to have one of them swept away by the tide? Were there any other options? Something felt inevitable about the whole situation, though damned if Shepard could determine whether the inevitable was the crashing or the drowning. He wasn't exactly known for his existential thinking. Having nothing to fight for terrified him on that deepest, most primal level. Easy to ignore if he didn't think too hard about it, but also easy to pull him under if he let his guard slip just once. Fighting to save the galaxy sure sounded nice in the brochures, but it was too much. He alone couldn't fathom that big of a reason. That's why everyone found something smaller and more selfish to cling to. But Shepard had spent so much of his life actively running away from reasons that he no longer had any left that were just the right size to use as his life vest. He had friends. Comrades. His duty. And he'd die for any of those things. But he wouldn't live just because one of them told him to.

Only Kaidan had ever been able to change the, 'I would sacrifice my life for this,' to 'I have to come back _because_ of this.' A fine line, but significant in Shepard's book. Especially since he'd already died once before.

* * *

What in the ever-loving hell was he thinking standing outside of Kaidan's room with a bottle of whiskey? _Way to choke on that play, Shepard._ Kaidan had messaged him about visiting. Shepard had been elated, and then scared, and then - apparently - brain dead, since he was standing outside of a hospital room holding a bottle of whiskey. Kaidan liked whiskey. Shepard liked Kaidan... _fuck_ he should probably have his head checked out while he was here.

Shepard didn't knock. He simply stepped over the threshold, hoping that Kaidan would kick him out sooner to end his misery if didn't wait to be invited in.

But Kaidan looked happy to see him. The request hadn't been just a formality to his CO. He accepted the whiskey gift with an amused smile.

"For when you get out," Shepard added. _Smooth talking, idiot._

In a hesitant voice Kaidan answered, "yeah. Maybe when I'm out we could... crack it open? I dunno."

Being on the same wavelength suddenly seemed like a possible outcome. Shepard struck out on his fact finding mission with careful precision. Asked out his implant, then healing, then the family back on Earth. Kept it simple until his target relaxed. 

Then, "how do we get past Horizon?" He knew how loaded the statement was. Kaidan saw it immediately, too. His eyes told Shepard that he'd picked up on the _real_ question there. _Do you think I'm still human? Will you trust me? Am I the same person to you?_

Kaidan sucked in a breath through his teeth. Considered the question and let it hang in the air for awhile. His normal processing procedure. Shepard liked that. Before Mars, Kaidan had gone at him without much thought at all. Immediate answers. Immediate accusations. This was progress.

"I... I want to move past it. I own a lot of that." He turned his eyes upwards. "You were standing right in front of me and I just shut you down." He stopped and stared hard at the ceiling for several heartbeats. Then he turned back and put his hand on top of Shepard's. The tenuous connection made Shepard's pulse pound.

"How can we fix it?" Shepard asked, voice more unsteady than he would have liked.

"By understanding where I'm coming from, Shepard," Kaidan answered confidently. "There's a lot between us. A lot of good and a lot of bad. But that doesn't change the fact that I want this to work. I admit that I need to get my head in order. Again, I guess. But I want to make this thing between us - whatever it is - real. I just... I need some time."

Kaidan's words sank all the way to Shepard's core. Time wasn't exactly an abundant commodity right now, but if he had to move heaven and Earth, he'd find it. Anything. Whatever it took.

"Understood," he said.

"So..." Kaidan sat up straighter in the bed, wincing as he readjusted. "Are we okay?"

For the first time in a long time, Shepard was completely at ease when he said, "yeah. We're good."

Somewhere to start. They always needed somewhere to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the likely awkward flow of this chapter, too. The next one should be free of my medicated ramblings. Here's hoping!


	3. Huerta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard make amends during shared moments at Huerta Memorial Hospital.

Shepard took the time to visit Kaidan at Huerta the very next afternoon before shipping out. He didn't know when he'd be back at the Citadel again, and besides, he was tired of hearing his crew's not-so-subtle hints to make the most of his free time.

The hospital room door hissed open to admit him, and even before he'd had a chance to offer a greeting, Kaidan's amused voice met him. "You know, leave it to you, Shepard, to give me a gift that would get me in trouble."

He stopped. Wondered whether a smile or a frown was the appropriate response. Seeing Kaidan's expression, he decided to smile as he pulled up the metal stool next to the bed. "What do you mean?"

Kaidan nodded towards the whiskey sitting on the table next to his bed. "That doc I told you about - the L2 specialist? She thought I was some kind of alcoholic sneaking this stuff in here. I almost had to fight her to keep it."

Shepard chuckled. "Sorry about that."

"Nah. It's actually pretty common. Lots of L2s are addicted to _something_. But even if I'm not, I can't be nagged out of an expensive bottle that easily." He grinned, though it was distorted on his swollen lips.

It felt like it had been forever since Shepard had seen a genuine smile on Kaidan's face. His body had taken a beating, but his spirits seemed better than ever. Then again, Kaidan had always been kind of like that. Prone to seriousness until he'd worked through whatever problem ate at him; emerging on the other side of his musings suddenly happier and calmer. "Had a lot of time to think, then?" Shepard wondered out loud before he realized Kaidan had no context. 

Kaidan knew him well enough to understand the question. He huffed a short, quiet laugh. "Yeah. There's also been a lot going on. Udina offered me a Spectre position. Not sure if I'm gonna take it, though."

Shepard's eyebrows shot up. Spectre Alenko? The thought made warmth pool in his stomach. Kaidan. Second human Spectre. A rank only the pair of them would share. A small link drawing them together over the chasm. _Do it, Alenko. Nothing would make me happier._ "That's great," he said. "You'd be a hell of a Spectre."

"Thanks, Shepard."

Silence descended. It teetered somewhere between comfortable and unsure. Lots of unasked questions hovered in the air as the old cowardice gripped them both. Shepard swallowed hard. Cowardice was their constant undoing, but every time he wondered what to say, the words never materialized. He'd always relied on Kaidan to fill in the blanks. To be the voice of reason and love he struggled to voice himself. And that unfair burden had cost them months. Years. This time it might be a lifetime. Shepard felt a creeping coldness shiver over his scalp and down his arms, paralyzing his brain and throat. _Don't make Kaidan do all the hard things alone._

But he did. He _always_ did. However, this time Kaidan refused to be beaten. "Shepard... there's something I need to say." His hand reached over the bed and tapped Shepard's forehead, drawing his blue gaze up. 

He felt like that scared kid back at Brain Camp. "Sure." His voice sounded raw.

Kaidan smiled a little. His chestnut eyes darkened with sadness, and something else. Regret? Shepard swallowed again convulsively against the lump threatening to suffocate him.

"I just... I realized something. Back on Horizon when I was so angry... I think... well, I was more wrong than I initially admitted to." His gaze followed his fingers as they slid down Shepard's face to his arm, coming to rest on his clenched fist. Shepard's hand twitched and then relaxed, opening his damp palm to entwine his fingers with Kaidan's cold ones.

"Kaidan..."

"It's okay. Let me finish. Shepard, I lost sight of who we were fighting _for_ because I was too focused on who we were fighting _with_. But you... you never did that. That's why you jumped into the fire with Cerberus. I get that now. I'm sorry I doubted you. I really shouldn't have."

Shepard's grip tightened even though his brain warned him to be careful of Kaidan's injuries. "Kaidan," he said again, softer. This wasn't at all how he'd planned things to go. No matter what, he stubbornly refused to accept Kaidan's self-blame. The man had more integrity than the entire Alliance put together. He'd done his job the proper way; the honorable way, and gotten results. He'd showed Shepard that impatience and a head thicker than a Krogan's didn't have to be the only way to save people. _He_ should be the one apologizing. _He_ should be the one telling Kaidan he'd never give him a reason for doubt or distrust again, because the honorable path was the correct path. Cerberus had been a mistake. It had paid out in the end, but his trademark stubbornness hadn't allowed him to listen to Kaidan on Horizon. He could have done things differently. Could have made it work without losing his integrity. Without losing _Kaidan_. 

But all those jumbled thoughts and emotions got stuck on the way to his mouth, as always. Looking at Kaidan, holding his hand, breathing his air, turned him back into the unexpressive idiot he'd always worried about being. He was much better at issuing orders and giving speeches than expressing his feeling. _I'm Commander Shepard and I'm the shittiest lover on the Citadel._ "Kaidan. Don't apologize to me ever again, all right? That's an order."

The scarred corner of Kaidan's lip tipped up again. "What for?"

"Because you're never wrong about me or anything else." 

Another silence fell, though this time it felt a lot cleaner. Kaidan's thumb drew circles on Shepard's palm and over his wrist. Shepard leaned his elbows onto the bed and placed his hand over Kaidan's knee, squeezing gently. He wanted to kiss Kaidan so badly, but they had to move past 'okay' before he took that particular risk. And charging in headlong wasn't going to get him where he wanted to be with Kaidan. The silence stretched on.

Finally, Kaidan cleared his throat. "Uh... so, hey. Are you gonna kiss me, or what?"

Shepard's grin flashed across his face in an instant. Kaidan. Kaidan. He always just _knew_. How did he do that? Where did that talent come from?

"Yeah," he answered, rising up half way off of the stool to bring his lips within an inch of Kaidan's, elbows still braced on the bed. Kaidan pushed up on his arms and closed the space between them, a clumsy kiss with swollen lips and lack of practice. But it still shot straight to Shepard's head. He tried to keep it as gentle as possible, but Kaidan's tongue sought his with a raw need he'd never experienced from him before. Their teeth clacked together when Kaidan pressed forward further, capturing the back of Shepard's neck in a strong grip when he tried to hold back. Kaidan simply _devoured_ him. Shepard stopped protesting the roughness and accepted it for what it was. Kaidan knew his limits and right now he was trying to kiss away the wasted time and the mourning. Shepard could give him that.

Kaidan nipped at Shepard's bottom lip, a little painful, but overwhelmingly pleasant. Shepard let his mouth touch the places his hands weren't confident enough to explore just yet. He kissed a haphazard path over the bruises and scrapes, down to the sensitive spot under Kaidan's ear. He listened to the biotic's breath catch, shudder, and then spill from his lips. He moved over the jaw - Shepard's favorite spot - across the pulse on his neck, to finally savor the warm skin over Kaidan's collar bone, lifting his lips just enough to chase his breath along Kaidan's skin with his chin before resting his cheek over Kaidan's heart. He closed his eyes to the rapid rhythm with a warring tempo from Kaidan's heavy breathing. 

Kaidan brought both of his hands up to stroke Shepard's scalp and shoulders, sometimes pausing as if hugging him, only to resume his movements a second later, learning the scars he hadn't been there for and feeling the flex of muscles beneath them.

"Two years," Kaidan whispered.

Shepard rubbed his cheek against Kaidan's chest. "I'm sorry."

Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders, hugging him for real this time. "Don't be. Two years is a hell of a lot better than forever."

* * *

_Message 41.0258_  
TO: SCMDR Shepard, J.  
FROM: MJR Alenko, K. 

_Hey, Shepard. Emailing you like this feels like we're teenagers again, doesn't it? Just wanted to make sure you're doing okay out there. It kills me not to be in the thick of things right now, but I'll be out soon enough, I hope. There's always some other test to run. Something else the doctors want to study. I'm tied to the bed by medical red tape. Wanna break me out?_

_-Kaidan_

The Krogan and Salarians made Shepard want to break something. The galaxy was falling to pieces around them and they couldn't see beyond their own stubbornness long enough to realize there were far bigger problems at the moment. Not like the turians were making it any easier. Everyone wanted _something_. Shepard just wasn't sure he was the one to deliver. Politics had never been his strength. He preferred being the hired muscle than the elected mouthpiece. But that's where they were. And every minute spent debating in the _Normandy's_ war room made him itch with irritation. 

_Message 43.1593_  
TO: MJR Alenko, K.  
FROM: SCMDR Shepard, J. 

_You sure you want to break out? I hate to say it, but you're probably missing less than you think. A lot of hand-holding going on here. I hate politicians. They're just not getting what we're actually up against here. Anyway, at least Garrus is back on board. He's trying to keep me level in your absence. Tough job, I know. Take care of yourself. I could use you out here. More than you know._

_-John_

* * *

"Hey, Shepard, if you're here to break me out, you're late." Kaidan turned from the window with a smile.

"Sorry about that. You're looking really good." He sidled up beside Kaidan and the other man slipped his hand into Shepard's back pocket, drawing them closer so that their hips bumped.

"I'm being released soon."

"Have you decided what you're gonna do?"

Kaidan's body shifted beside him, the fabric of their BDUs brushing. "Well, I accepted Udina's offer for the Spectre position. He wants to have a ceremony and everything. Something to help boost morale."

Shepard smiled privately. "You're good for that," he said with gentle humor.

"I do what I can. I've got a pretty big example to live up to," Kaidan answered seriously.

"Maybe. But Udina made the right choice. I... I was hoping you'd sign back onto the _Normandy_."

Kaidan pulled away. Shepard felt the distance acutely and his heart sank just a little. But Kaidan's eyes were clear of rejection when their gazes met. "I'd like to, Shepard, but there are some things I have to take care of."

Ah. He could understand that completely. There wasn't much time left. Everyone had things to get in order. Loose ends to tie up. No one wanted to die, or even survive, with any regrets. "Your students?"

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. I haven't got much to go on, but then again, I wouldn't have been doing my job if they were easy to find."

"I understand."

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I-"

Shepard cut him off with a kiss rough enough to shove Kaidan against the window. It rattled when his back hit the glass. Kaidan's arms went directly around Shepard's shoulders, his hands sliding up to cup the back of his head. Pulling him closer. Shepard ground their bodies together, longing for the memory of friction to take with him when Kaidan couldn't be there.

Kaidan appeared to feel the same. He arched his back and moaned against Shepard's mouth; the same rusty sound he'd always had. Shepard's dick twitched in response. Lips and tongue and teeth did their best to give and take in equal measure until Shepard was overwhelmed with that dormant fire in his chest flaring up. He broke the kiss suddenly to gather Kaidan hard against him, every inch of their bodies touching. Kaidan squeezed back. They held each other, noses buried against necks for a long minute, just breathing each other's scent.

"You let me know if I can do anything at all," Shepard murmured against Kaidan's pulse.

"I'm not saying goodbye," Kaidan answered.

Shepard pulled back and took both sides of Kaidan's face in his hands. He kissed him once again, hard and quick, then stared at him for five breathless heartbeats. "Neither am I."

"Take care, Shepard. Give them hell out there."

"You, too."

Shepard departed Huerta feeling very much, and perhaps a little foolishly, like he was ready to take on anything the galaxy threw at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying not to slow down with chapter releases, but I might have to take an extra day here or there because I'm writing a beast of a fic for the Mass Effect Big Bang. I'm trying really hard to keep up with both, but if the MEBB deadline starts to loom, I might need to send some of my spare time over there. Sorry in advance if that happens, but I won't abandon this fic at all, so don't worry!
> 
> Keep up those comments and kudos! They honestly inspire me a ton!


	4. Citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan face off during the Citadel coup. The _Normandy's_ crew is complete.

"Questioning yourself again, Shepard?"

Shepard pushed his coffee cup away across the mess hall table. "No, I'm just wondering why the coffee still tastes like ass after all these years."

Garrus laughed like gravel and took a seat across from him. "Take comfort in the things that will never change."

"Yeah."

Garrus crossed his arms, kicking back in the chair. "I know you don't think you're making a difference out here, but you are. It'll all come together."

Shepard huffed and smiled wryly. If his mood was affecting even Garrus... "c'mon, Garrus. Don't get all serious and supportive on me now."

"Sorry, Shepard. But don't worry. That's about the limit of my pep talking skills. Even someone as perfect as me has his limits. You'll just have to wait until Kaidan's back for the rest. I'm sure you'll manage."

It was Shepard's turn to laugh. "No need to coddle me. I might start to get used to it, and then where would we be?"

Garrus stood. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't make me fight Kaidan for you. He's got such a stern look. Reminds me of my mother."

Genuine humor touched Shepard's smile as he stood as well. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, Garrus. We'll be docking at the Citadel soon. Was hoping you'd tag along for the meeting. Keep me from hurting someone."

"You'd rather I shot them instead? Got it. I'll be ready."

Shepard rolled his eyes and left to make final preparations.

* * *

Two hours later, Shepard was infinitely pleased he'd brought Garrus. And James. What the fuck was Udina thinking? Cerberus everywhere and a lot of dead bodies. Kaidan. Where was he? He'd sent an email earlier saying he'd returned to the Citadel and his business was finished. He had wanted to talk. 

_I'm going to get an earful about unnecessary risks_ , Shepard mused darkly as he rolled to the side of the moving elevator, dodging another well-placed bullet up through the ceiling, flinching as he felt the cold rush of air from the side. Close. He almost lost his footing as the elevator stalled. Footsteps clattered below him. "Let's go." 

The first thing he saw upon exiting the elevator shaft made his heart pound into his throat more than the death defying ride they'd just taken. Kaidan. With a gun pointed straight at him. The counselors gathered near a burning Alliance shuttle. Udina saying something about Shepard being with Cerberus. He gritted his teeth.

Kaidan flicked his eyes back towards Udina and said sharply, "just hang on. I got this. Everyone calm down." His gun didn't waver as he moved to block Shepard's shot.

Shepard paused then lowered his gun. Of course he knew what this looked like without Kaidan having any real information. But he could also tell that the biotic was working it out quickly, eyes darting between Udina and Shepard. _Come on, Kaidan. Trust me._

Shepard held Kaidan's gaze steadily as he told him who he was really after. Warned him about the Cerberus agents right behind them. He saw a flash in Kaidan's eyes, the slightest of arched eyebrows, and Shepard raised his pistol to take the shot, but Kaidan sidestepped to block him. The hell?

"I'd better not regret this," Kaidan said.

Regret what? He thought he'd understood Kaidan's body language. They'd been in tight situations before and Shepard had never misinterpreted his signals. Not when it mattered. Not after all these years of watching him so closely. He knew Kaidan had promised not to doubt him again. Nor had he forgotten their conversations. He wouldn't go back on that lightly. Without a proper, irrefutable reason. There _had_ to be something else going on in his head. Shepard was missing something. Reading something wrong. But if Kaidan trusted him, he would give that trust right back, no questions asked. In the end, it was the only thing he could give Kaidan that actually meant anything. Hoping for the best, he answered, "you won't."

He watched as Kaidan swung around and demanded for Udina to step away from the elevator console. Shepard's pistol was only half way raised by the time Kaidan had noticed Udina pull his sidearm on the Asari counselor. Before he even had time to assess the situation further, a shot cracked through the air and Udina collapsed. Kaidan had taken the shot. Udina was dead.

* * *

Shepard stopped short when he saw Kaidan waiting for him just inside the _Normandy's_ docking bay doors. He looked angry. Or contemplative. Sometimes it was hard to tell. Shepard tried to stay positive. Better to get it all out in the open now. "I was wondering where you went," he said. "What's up?"

Kaidan crossed and uncrossed his arms. "I'm just... I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened."

Well, at least he wasn't brooding silently this time. But Shepard wanted answers about that, too. These things usually made sense to him after the fact. This time, though... why had Kaidan stepped in front of him? "Lay it on me," he answered with only a tiny hint of his total discomfort bleeding through into his voice.

"It's not every day you stare down the gun of someone you love."

Shepard crossed his arms, too. "Tell me about it. So... what happened back there?"

Kaidan spun slowly on his heel and walked towards the window, looking out at the _Normandy_. "You remember a long time ago when I told you that the way a thing goes down matters? How it reflects back on us once it's done?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, drawing the word out. What was he getting at?

"I knew you were going to take that shot. I mean, I knew _someone_ was going to take that shot."

"What do you mean?"

Kaidan turned back to Shepard. His eyes were hard, but not accusing. "Let me ask you something first. If I hadn't backed down, would you have taken me out?"

Shocked and unable to say anything else, Shepard breathed, "no. Hell, no. Not ever. I knew you'd back down. I trusted you."

Kaidan smiled slightly. "I shot Udina because I didn't want you to take the shot. I didn't want you to have to deal with the consequences."

Shepard pursed his lips. "Why? Hate to break it to you, Kaidan, but I've done worse than pointing a gun at a councilor."

Kaidan laughed again. This time it was a lot easier. "Believe me, I know that. That's the point. It's just... it feels like no matter what you do, people are judging you more harshly than you deserve."

That was a mild surprise. Kaidan had clearly been thinking about this a lot. About them. About him. Guilt pinged through him. Kaidan was taking time away from worrying about his own affairs. "You were worried about how I've been polling lately?" A grin slid across his face.

Kaidan shrugged. "I'm not kidding, Shepard. You might not care what al-Jilani's been saying about you on the news, but _I_ care. And a lot of other people do, too. They don't know you. They don't know why you made the decisions you did. They're certainly not getting the best picture from the news, at any rate."

Shepard was starting to get the idea behind Kaidan's actions, and it was bringing back that itch under his skin again.

Kaidan turned his eyes to the floor. "What would people think if they started hearing reports of a former Cerberus sympathizer gunning down a councilor?"

"So that's what this is about?" Shepard took a step nearer to Kaidan. "You took that shot for me so I wouldn't look bad to the public?"

Another shrug. "Not really. Well, kind of. It's... it's complicated. I trusted what you told me about Udina. He's always rubbed me the wrong way. And when he tried to hurt the others... something had to be done. But my record's clean. It was better that I did it, if anyone had to. And, Shepard... I _knew_ you'd take the shot if I didn't."

Shepard placed his hands on both sides of Kaidan's hips, turning him so that they were face to face. He moved in for a kiss, but Kaidan stopped him.

"There's something else."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "More important than what I'm about to do to you?"

Kaidan almost smiled and shook his head. "Maybe a little. Hackett offered me a position," he said in a rush.

Shepard opened his mouth immediately to protest, but Kaidan was a step ahead. "I'd turn it down in a second if it meant I could come back to the _Normandy_."

This time, Shepard moved closer and brushed his lips against Kaidan's with a feather-light touch. "Can't imagine facing the Reapers without you. Welcome aboard, Major." He felt Kaidan's elbow jerk to automatically salute him before stalling the movement and kissing Shepard briefly.

"Thanks, Commander," he answered, turning away and walking towards the _Normandy_ while leaving Shepard with a nice view that made him want more. So, so much more.

* * *

"You've sure moved up in the world, Shepard. Who the hell puts a fish tank on a warship?"

Shepard spread his hands. "I've earned it. Come on in."

Kaidan stepped into the renovated Captain's quarters and took a seat on the leather sofa. "It's nice. Bigger. Hope you're not getting any crazy ideas of bullying me into moving in, though."

Shepard sat beside him and draped an arm over Kaidan's shoulders. "I wasn't that bad to live with."

Kaidan shot him a lopsided grin. "You snored. Plus, the crew's a lot different here. I'm bunking in the crew quarters. No arguments or I'll pull rank."

"Sexy," Shepard murmured, nosing Kaidan's neck until he tipped his head back, giving Shepard full access to drag his teeth gently from ear to shoulder. Kaidan's skin warmed under his touch and his pulse jumped. He kept his lips to a minimum, instead caressing with his breath, his nose, his chin, the rough brush of his stubble. Kaidan's hand slid up his side to cup the back of his head, drawing Shepard closer.

He could feel Kaidan's need, knew the biotic wanted to make up for lost time, but Shepard refused to rush things tonight. Tonight he was going to repay Kaidan for his loyalty. For his love. He pulled himself up and slid his leg over Kaidan's thighs, bringing himself up to straddle the other man. He felt Kaidan's half hard length beneath him and ground his hips down. Kaidan's hands drew up to dig into his hips, thrusting upwards with a deep rumble settling in the back of his throat.

Shepard rolled his hips against Kaidan's, feeling him grow harder and harder. He began undoing the snaps and buckles of his uniform, still holding back with his lips, but making fine use of his tongue and hot breath. Kaidan shivered under him, goose bumps rising on his skin and his hands clenching almost painfully on Shepard's waist. 

"Shepard..." It was a breathless sound, swept away by a gasp and disappearing.

Kaidan's hands unclenched and wandered endlessly over Shepard's ribs and arms, squeezing convulsively then moving on to other spots. Shepard brushed Kaidan's shirt back over his shoulders, massaging his biceps as he pushed the fabric away. Shepard let his fingers trail lightly over Kaidan's chest, pinching his nipples just this side of too hard. Kaidan jolted and cursed softly. His eyes shut tightly.

Shepard wanted to pat himself on the back. He'd always had trouble being gentle. Didn't exactly think it was possible. But then again, Kaidan had a way of making him do things and be things he never imagined he was capable of. One of the many things he loved about this man. One of the things he'd always be grateful for.

His journey continued down, pausing at Kaidan's belt. "Kaidan," he said thoughtfully.

Kaidan's eyes opened but were unfocused. "Shepard," he slurred as if he was drunk.

Shepard smiled. "I'm glad you're back. I'm glad you're here."

Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him sloppily like he wasn't in full control of his muscles.

Shepard undid the belt and slid from Kaidan's lap to drop to his knees on the floor. He took Kaidan's pants with him until they pooled at his ankles.

Kaidan's dick was incredibly hard, a pearl of precum already beading out from the slit. Shepard bent his head and licked it, pulling the bead onto his tongue.

Kaidan moaned long and hoarse. "God, Shepard. You feel so-" The sentence got lost as his breath hitched and he gulped as Shepard ran his tongue down the long vein throbbing on Kaidan's cock. He took Kaidan's balls in hand, kneading them gently as he kissed his way back to the tip, sinking Kaidan's dick into his mouth as deep as he could take it. One of his fingers teased Kaidan's entrance while his mouth picked a languid rhythm. When Kaidan's hips thrust up off the sofa, Shepard slipped his finger inside, twisting until he hit the prostate and Kaidan found his voice again, shouting a curse. His hands grabbed handfuls of Shepard's uniform shirt just over his biceps in a white-knuckled grip.

Shepard breathed deeply through his nose, savoring Kaidan's musky-clean scent; drinking in every gasp, every moan, every twitch of Kaidan's muscles. He attacked relentlessly at Kaidan's senses, sending him wild. He heard a crack and felt the crackle of biotics against him as Kaidan's control slipped. His own biotics responded, humming and throbbing over his entire body. He moved his finger and his mouth faster and faster until Kaidan's hips bucked up one last time and stayed lifted as he came hard, shaking with an unearthly groan forced out through gritted teeth.

Shepard swallowed every drop, sucking lightly several times until Kaidan was wrung dry and trembling. He pulled back and rested his head against Kaidan's thigh. He felt himself close to dozing as he listened to Kaidan's ragged breathing grow gradually more even.

After a long moment he felt fingers brush over his head and cheek. "Shepard," said the sex-roughened voice, "that was..."

He smiled and pressed a kiss to the side of Kaidan's softening cock. "Amazing? Thrilling? The best damn thing ever?"

"All of those," Kaidan answered, humor richening and rounding out the gravel. "I'm glad I'm back, too. With you."

"Sleep here tonight."

Kaidan pulled Shepard up and kissed him. "Understood, Commander."

Shepard stood and moved to the bed, stripping down to his black briefs. Kaidan shuffled over a moment later. He slid his chest against Shepard's back and wrapped his arms around his stomach. He rested his chin on Shepard's shoulder. "You want me to return the favor?"

Shepard reached up and entwined their fingers, angling them both down to the bed. "No," he said. "That was your welcome back party. There'll be plenty of time for me later."

Kaidan adjusted the covers over both of them and took his position on his side against Shepard's back; one arm sliding under the pillow and the other draping over his waist. Always having his back. "Good night, Shepard" he breathed and Shepard felt the word dust against the back of his neck.

"Good night, Kaidan."

He drifted off feeling yet another unusual emotion for him. Another emotion that Kaidan alone had introduced him to. Contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, you are amazing to me! Just wanted to tell you that.


	5. Citadel II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan have their first official date on the Citadel.

When Shepard woke in the middle of the morning cycle, Kaidan was gone, his side of the bed already cold. He had hoped... no, he knew Kaidan would keep up appearances as promised. Shepard rolled to his side and buried his face in Kaidan's pillow with a grin. Smelled like him. Nice. He breathed deeply a few times and then rolled back and kicked his feet over the edge of the bed with a groan. What was he, eighteen still? Half-hard just from Kaidan's smell? _Welcome to puberty._ But he still smiled. Smiled as he was taking his shower. Smiled as he put on his uniform. Smiled as he made his way to the crew deck for breakfast. Smiled as he stepped off the elevator in the hanger bay to requisition some supplies. He ducked back behind some cargo boxes when he heard voices gossiping. About him. Eavesdropping was pretty childish, but he was feeling a bit childish today. Almost giddy. Happy again after too many years. And he'd take what he could get with that feeling as much as possible these days.

"You know something? I like you, Alenko," Garrus was saying.

"I'm sorry, what?" Shepard smiled wider. Garrus sure had a way of coming at people from left field.

Garrus took a seat at the weapon's bench next to Kaidan and began to disassemble his sniper rifle with practiced precision. "Or perhaps I should say I like how you are with Shepard."

"Garrus, I'm not going to have the birds and bees talk with you no matter how curious you are about human physiology."

"Not even if I buy you dinner first?"

" _Especially_ not then."

Garrus chuckled. "You're so coy. Not what I meant, though."

Kaidan turned back to his own gun and continued methodically cleaning it. "Okay, I'll bite. What did you mean?"

"Back when we were... _dealing_ with Cerberus, Shepard just wasn't the same. He got the job done as always, but he took a lot of risks. Some might even say excessively. And that should tell you something if even _I_ thought that."

Shepard leaned his back against the crates, smile fading. He hadn't wasted much time thinking about how he'd acted while with Cerberus. He'd spent plenty of time considering _what_ he'd done, of course, but not enough about _how_ he'd done it. Garrus was right, though. If he'd noticed it must have been worse than he'd remembered.

"Well, it kind of was him against the galaxy," Kaidan said pragmatically.

Garrus stopped working on his weapon. "It was more than just that. It was like he had nothing to lose."

"I get that," Kaidan answered, "but all of you thought you were gonna die back then."

Garrus shrugged. "Me, die? And deprive this galaxy of the best thing that's ever happened to them? Not possible. I never thought I was going to die for a second after I took that rocket to the face."

Kaidan chuckled. "I guess surviving that would change your perspective."

"Exactly." 

"I'm glad you were there for him," Kaidan said freely. As if it was the easiest thing in the world to admit.

"He's all yours now," Garrus answered drily. "Isn't that right, Shepard?"

Shepard stepped out into the open, unashamed. "Damn right." He crossed to the weapon's bench and leaned his hip against it. "We'll be docked for awhile longer. You should enjoy the down time while you have it. Get off the ship for once."

"I can't stand awkward flirting," Garrus said, standing and walking back towards the elevator. "Alenko, Shepard's asking you on a date. You should say 'yes' or there'll be no living with him anymore."

Kaidan waved him off over his shoulder as Shepard scooted closer along the bench. Without raising his gaze, Kaidan said, "I'm not going to suffer through a Blasto movie."

Shepard tried to hide his smile, but it peeked out anyway in a slow rise across his face. Part of the reason he liked Blasto so much was because Kaidan hated the movies. There weren't many things Kaidan could be teased with, but Blasto was fertile ground. Shepard wasn't exactly trying to be mean, but he took great pleasure in listening to Kaidan's disdainful commentary during terrible action films. "What do you suggest, then?"

"We could have drinks. Somewhere quiet would be nice. It's been awhile since we sat down and talked."

Shepard leaned back on his hands. "Guess you're right about that. How about Apollo's? My treat."

Kaidan grinned as he reassembled his weapon. "If you're trying to butter me up, it might take a nice steak sandwich, too."

"Meet me at 17:00."

"I'll be there."

Shepard squeezed Kaidan's arm as he pushed off from the bench and passed behind him on the way back to the elevator, his requisition order already forgotten. He could shop on the Citadel later if he had the time.

* * *

Shepard spotted Kaidan in the courtyard of Apollo's looking as if he'd been there for awhile. His feet were kicked out under the table and he was holding the menu pad loosely, staring over the wall into the Presidium where smoke still rose from some of the damaged areas below. Shepard slipped into the seat beside him quietly, knowing that sometimes it was best to let Kaidan come to himself without interruption.

A second later, Kaidan held up the menu, glanced at it distractedly, and passed it over to Shepard. "Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this." He sounded a bit irritated at the thought. 

Shepard shifted in his seat. Apollo's was the go-to place on the Citadel for a good reason. They had stock from all over the galaxy. And the reason for Kaidan's irritation probably stemmed from the fact that many of their supplies weren't likely to have been obtained legally. Especially during a time of war. "It's probably better if we don't ask how," Shepard answered. "Or where," he added. 

Kaidan was quiet again, and when Shepard looked up from the menu, the other man was smiling at him with a slightly distant expression.

"I'm glad we're taking the time to do this," he said. "I could use a sanity check." He placed his forearms on the table and clasped his fingers. His expression softened and then hardened slightly. Shepard watched him, interested. He had no idea what Kaidan had been thinking about, but it appeared to be something difficult since he was trying so hard to keep his face neutral. "You know," he started with a drawn out pause, "my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars. And there weren't enough moments like this with people I care about."

That struck Shepard on a base level. He hadn't asked Kaidan much about his family or friends lately. Frankly, he didn't know if Kaidan still _had_ any friends. He'd been standoffish when he was younger, but despite that, he cared deeply about most of the people he chose to keep around him. Shepard never asked about how bad it got once Kaidan returned to Vancouver all those years ago. Often he felt like dragging it up now would have done more harm than good. But he should have. He knew the clinical details after hacking Kaidan's service records, but the personal stuff? He'd never even wondered, always expecting Kaidan to tell him what he needed to know, and now he felt like kicking himself.

"That's why I'm glad I got you to sit down for a half a second to relax," he said finally, looking back out over the Presidium.

Shepard swallowed. "Things have been pretty crazy," he admitted. "I think it's a good time for us to have a heart to heart." He almost didn't mean it. Part of him said it simply because it was what Kaidan wanted. What could Shepard even say? What would make things better? What could he do to prove that, even if no one else was, he would be there? That he'd willingly take it all – anything Kaidan needed him to? Were there even words that existed to say such things? He had no idea. He needed a drink. So he asked, "what are you drinking?"

Kaidan leaned forward with a sad sort of partial smile. "Shot of whiskey and a good, old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

"More likely to have Batarian shard wine," Shepard answered, taking the statement to mean 'strong and nostalgic.' He found the closest approximation of Earth drinks and ordered for them, hoping it would do the trick.

"You know, Shepard," Kaidan began, "sitting here by myself for awhile, I've been thinking."

"Uh, oh," Shepard replied, trying to keep his voice light even though his thoughts were anything but. "Let's have it. Lay it on me."

Kaidan shrugged one shoulder. "I'm still just trying to understand this thing between us. We've known each other for a long time. We've had this... well, this _thing_ for a long time. A lot's happened. I mean, good and bad, right? But... Shepard, despite everything, I care about you. So much. And I want to figure this out. What I said before in the hospital still holds up. I want to take what we've got and make it real somehow." He sat back as their drinks arrived and wrapped his hands around the bottle of beer. "That's what I want," he finished at length, bravery seeming to slip. His gaze slid up to meet Shepard's hesitantly with a shyness that had never been directed at him before. "What do _you_ want?"

Suddenly, Shepard felt his throat close as he was hit with a vivid memory of Kaidan back at Brain Camp. How he'd looked at Rahna once upon a time. How Shepard had sat in his bed countless nights longing with every beat of his idiot's heart to have that look directed at him someday. How Kaidan had changed him every step of the way in his adult life. "You and me," he said faintly, nothing else able to squeeze past his lips. "I like that. A lot."

Kaidan pushed their drinks aside and took Shepard's hand, bringing it to his lips and then pressing it against his cheek. His troubled, shy expression cleared in an instant. "That makes me so happy."

Happy? He made Kaidan happy? Of all the gifts he didn't deserve, this one was probably the most stunning. He had no clue what to do with it until he felt Kaidan's grin curve against the palm of his hand. "And there are benefits to that happiness," he said, voice pitched lower.

Above his embarrassment, Shepard smirked. "Really?"

Kaidan entwined their fingers and pulled them both to their feet. "Really." Shepard didn't even need to ask where they were going. They left their forgotten drinks on the table and headed straight back to the _Normandy_.

* * *

Sometimes it amazed Shepard just how quickly Kaidan could turn him into a mess of desire with so little effort. All it seemed to take these days were messy, frantic kisses up to the Captain's cabin followed by fumbling for the door lock while shirts were unbuttoned and skin exposed to mouths and hands. Shepard felt the backs of his thighs hit the edge of the corner of his desk as Kaidan walked him backwards into the room, not breaking contact for a second as he tore at their clothing. It felt so good, this intense meeting. Kaidan's warmth against him, dick hard as it pressed against his leg. The sound and caress of his harsh breathing against Shepard's already overheated skin. But through his stupor, Shepard's mind kept insisting on the answer he'd only half given. That's why he forced himself to muster up his reserves of willpower, place his hands on both of Kaidan's shoulders, and push him back a foot.

Kaidan's eyes focused on him but Shepard waited until he'd calmed down a little and come back to himself. "What's up?" he asked, worried.

"I love you, Kaidan," Shepard said, locking their eyes. "I do. I love you."

Kaidan froze for a second. Stared. Then he stepped forward and rested his head on Shepard's shoulder. He turned his face slightly until his lips were touching Shepard's ear. "I love you, too," he murmured. "Until the end of time, John." Then he brought his head up for a kiss that was suddenly more important, more vibrant, more _everything_. 

Unprepared for the onslaught, Shepard was lost again. It didn't scare him. Kaidan knew what to do. Hell, he'd probably always known since the first time they were together. It felt like a long time coming, but it also felt right. The noise was gone, replaced by a calm peace Shepard had been craving since the first time he'd dared to kiss Kaidan.

Kaidan maneuvered them down the stairs and towards the bed, shedding the layers between them as they went. He led and Shepard followed, all too willing to learn what Kaidan had been trying to teach him. He sat on the edge of the bed and drew Kaidan in front of him. His hands skimmed up and down Kaidan's arms before settling around his waist. He planted a kiss on the center of his stomach and rested his forehead over the spot, imagining that he could draw Kaidan's scent into himself. He stayed like that for awhile until he felt Kaidan's dick twitch against his chin. He pulled back and let the other man lower himself to the bed, his weight a welcome sensation.

Kaidan's mouth set to work everywhere. He kissed and nipped and licked his way from Shepard's forehead all the way down to his feet, and crawled his way up again. Shepard felt every movement, his muscles jerking at the ticklish spots, his breath hissing out at the erogenous zones. He marveled at how a simple three words sent out into the air could come back to his body, making everything seem more powerful than it had before. He was unsure of whether he could take it. His erection bordered on painful as it throbbed against Kaidan's stomach. He gritted his teeth when Kaidan's body, slick with sweat, slid up for full contact as he fumbled in the nightstand for a condom. Shepard was barely able to open his eyes as he watched Kaidan unroll it over his cock, stroking himself briefly to make sure the lube covered it completely.

When he slowly angled himself and slipped inside of Shepard, his hips rose off the bed and he bit back what surely would have been a scream of pleasure. His biotics flared beyond his control in a hum of electricity as Kaidan began to move. Kaidan's arms bent up and he entwined their fingers over Shepard's head, allowing his own biotic field to connect them. Their combined energy pulsed and vibrated just off pitch enough so that Shepard felt more of Kaidan's field reverberating on his body than his own. He ground down hard every time Kaidan thrust upwards, feeling the pulse of the field in the deepest part of him.

He heard Kaidan gasp something and lifted his head up off the pillow, capturing the sound in his mouth until Kaidan bit down hard on his bottom lip, coming forcefully and driving Shepard with him at nearly the same moment as his biotics flared one last time before dissipating. 

Recovering from that particular experience took a lot longer than normal for Shepard. He relaxed into the mattress, drifting on the afterglow and drawing lazy patterns on Kaidan's damp shoulder. A comforting habit he had acquired of late. Kaidan stroked his chest equally spent, both of them half-asleep on top of the covers. Kaidan's hand stilled after a time.

"Are you asleep?" Shepard whispered.

Kaidan mumbled something that made Shepard grin with its incoherence. 

"Good night, Kaidan."

"Hnn. G'nightShprd."

_Don't ever change, Kaidan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured all of us could use a break from the angst. Hope it wasn't too cheesy for y'all! I honestly had trouble writing not-angst after all this time. XD


	6. Rannoch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard takes on a Reaper.

There was a particular pair of sentences that Shepard could go the rest of his life without hearing again, and those came courtesy of Kaidan, who screamed, "that's a Reaper! That's a fucking _Reaper_!"

Of course, they'd stared that nightmare in the face before on Tuchanka, but they had seen it coming. Not that it made it any better to deal with. This one was different than the ones they'd seen before. This one made Shepard question his life expectancy for the first time in a very, very long while.

"How do we fight that thing?" Tali demanded, fruitlessly unloading her shotgun's thermal clip in its general direction.

Kaidan was already sprinting around the walkway towards the hanger where Legion was directing them.

"We don't!" Shepard hollered back, also moving as fast as he could after Kaidan. "Run to the cruiser!"

He didn't have time to worry about anyone else as he tried to save his own ass. It seemed like the Reaper was coming at them from all sides at once. He dodged two arms on his scramble for the hanger. He was starting to get really sick of this shit. They crammed into the Geth cruiser, Shepard climbing up to the turret as soon as they were clear of the launch bay. He sent a volley of heavy artillery at the machine, but doubted he even scratched the surface. _Really, really,_ really _sick of this shit_ , he thought darkly. 

Watching the Reaper grow smaller behind them sent Shepard's mind racing. He thought about Tali watching these synthetic parasites taking over her homeworld that she'd only just seen for the first time. About Garrus watching his friends and comrades die in endless numbers on Palaven. About Ashley and Mordin and Thane and everyone else he'd lost because of this godforsaken war.

"Legion, stop the ship," he commanded, angry to his core. Rage tightened his chest and narrowed his vision so that all he could see was that goddamn Reaper staring them down. This had to end. And if everyone was insisting it had to be him, he'd do it. Right here, right now. He jumped from the cruiser with the targeting device and ordered the orbiting fleets to lock on his position. He heard both Tali and Kaidan yelling something at him, but he was past caring. He shut off his com link and raced toward the red eye, aiming for it as he went. It crawled nearer, looming larger and larger as it approached, blotting out his field of view more and more, but he kept up the heat. He was past fear. He just needed this thing dead. Now. The targeting laser hummed and beeped.

A final volley of explosions hit dead center and the Reaper fell. Shepard wasn't happy. He didn't celebrate or feel a rush of triumph. He walked towards it until its eye opened to focus on him. It's voice reverberated through his head; through the very ground they stood on. It told him that it knew him. That they would fail.

The hell they would. "I disagree," he countered, anger weighing his voice down, "and so do the billions that are rising up to resist you."

He let it talk. Let it feed his rage. Let the Reaper say it was organic life's only salvation.

Shepard hefted the targeting device and aimed it squarely on the Reaper's eye. "Tell your friends we're coming for them," he bit out before pulling the trigger. The fleets took up the rest, raining down fire over the destroyed machine. 

He flicked him comm back on. Heard Tali breathe out her disbelief that they'd killed a Reaper, Legion confirming that the Geth were now free. He listened to the cries of joy from the Quarian fleet. Then, after a moment he turned back to Legion, who asked him to spare the Geth. Tali argued while Shepard numbly tried to make sense of the situation. There was a lot at stake. Trusting a single Geth was one thing, but trusting an incredibly smart hoard of them?

But then Legion asked, "does this unit have a soul?"

"Upload the code," Shepard said immediately. No more thinking or arguing. He couldn't take it. They had two choices. Trust wholeheartedly and hope for the best, or continue to live divided and steeped in fear. And for his part, Shepard just couldn't bear to be afraid anymore. He refused to help uphold old grudges for a single day longer. He'd managed with the Salarians and the Krogan. He'd manage this, too. 

As difficult as it was, he ignored Tali's protests. There was already enough noise in his head without having to justify himself to everyone. This was for the greater good. And if they couldn't at least _try_ to get over themselves long enough to trust in the help being offered... well, then they were _all_ screwed. "Tali, call off the fleet if you can."

Tali stared at him for long, precious moments. But even though she didn't like it, she obeyed. At first the Quarian fleets refused, but Shepard was so done, so mad, he threw caution to the wind. Insisted that the Geth didn't want to fight; that the Quarians had forced them to ally with the Reapers in the first place. "You have a choice," he said desperately. "Keelah se'lai."

Relief flooded him when the fleets stood down. The Geth kept their word. The war was over. But not the loss. He wanted to say something to Legion. Something important. His body and mind were wrung dry. Thankfully, Tali had at that moment what he did not. She stepped forward and said, "Legion. The answer to your question was, 'yes.'" Shepard watched with an unwavering gaze as Legion completed his upload and collapsed, shut down. Dead. Part of the collective. So, perhaps not completely gone. Whatever the case, he had made them all stronger. He had made them all more connected. Shepard would never in his life forget that.

* * *

Tali thanked him on their way back to the _Normandy_. She mourned for Legion and for her lost people, but she had hope. That rare thing he was trying not to envy her for. Kaidan, however, didn't say a word. 

At the lockers back on board, Kaidan began removing his armor, and said without looking at Shepard, "I'd like to speak to you in private, Commander."

That tone. That empty tone which always made Shepard's stomach plummet to his feet. He swallowed. Squared his shoulders. Pretended he was unaware of the impending problem. "You can wait for me in my cabin, Major," he answered calmly. "I'll join you after I've taken care of some other business."

Kaidan silently finished stowing his gear and departed the hanger bay. Not a good sign.

Shepard had no especially pressing business to attend to other than a brief report to Admiral Hackett to warn him about the Geth Primes inbound to help with the Crucible. Hackett seemed almost amused by the idea of scaring the scientists with heavily armored machines. Then Liara appeared to request he speak with the Asari counselor. He did so, receiving a cryptic request for an in-person meeting. He instructed Joker to set course back to the Citadel. 

Official business concluded, he had no choice but to confront Kaidan. He'd just stared down a Reaper with no fear, but something about Kaidan's tone, void of emotion, made him want to shuffle off to the bottom of the cargo hold under engineering never to be seen from again. Someone had once told him that love and war weren't all that different from each other. Shepard, now having been through both, begged most emphatically to differ. He'd take a Reaper over his lover's disapproval any day of the week. But he couldn't put it off. Kaidan had something to say, so that made Shepard's top priority listening to it. Still, he dragged his feet a bit on the way to his cabin.

The door swished open. Shepard stepped over the threshold to find Kaidan standing at the stop of the steps, arms at his sides and eyebrows drawn together. Yeah. He was pissed.

"Kaidan, I-"

The hard right hook to his jaw knocked Shepard back onto the wall beside his desk. He cursed. He never saw it coming with Kaidan. Ever.

"Don't say anything, Shepard. I'm pretty damn furious right now, so you'd better just listen." As if none of that was plainly evident.

Shepard nodded, prodding his cheek gently to feel for damage and tasting blood. He poked the inside of his split lip with his tongue and winced. Not a bad hit for someone who rarely resorted to brawling in any sort of fight. Shepard was lucky Kaidan hadn't decided he was angry enough to add a biotic oomph to the swing for emphasis. Shepard would have if he'd been as irate as Kaidan looked.

Appearing satisfied that Shepard was going to keep his mouth shut as promised, Kaidan unclenched his fists and moved down the steps to the sofa. He didn't sit, but his stance indicated that Shepard was free to do so. Or maybe better off if he did so. Shepard sat, peering up at Kaidan nervously. The fury seemed to have passed for the moment, though. He'd have to watch himself from here on out.

"A Reaper, Shepard," Kaidan said, voice filled to the brim with disbelief of the admonishing variety. "You killed a Reaper. Took it on by yourself."

Shepard didn't move. He just flicked his eyebrows up in acknowledgement. 

Kaidan collapsed to his knees and put himself eye to eye with Shepard. His eyes were hard, swirling with emotions and accusations. Shepard hadn't a clue where to begin with them. He just focused on Kaidan's face mutely. Waiting for him to make his point.

He did. Succinctly. "It was the goddamn dumbest thing you've ever done."

Shepard bent forward, resting his forearms on his thighs and turning his eyes to the floor. Kaidan was probably right about that. He'd let his bitterness and temper get the better of him again. He'd likely been just plain lucky to have walked away from it. But he hadn't been thinking about anything else, and that was his problem. Tali and Kaidan knew him. They knew that he rushed in too soon and to brashly sometimes. They'd been trying to stop him from playing the idiot, and he'd literally shut them out. He should never have done that.

"Tali and I were there," he continued. "Legion was there. We could have helped you. You could have turned to us. Shepard, I know you feel some huge sense of responsibility because everyone's looking to you for all the answers." He reached his hand out and tipped Shepard's chin up.

Shepard saw the anger washed away on Kaidan's face, replaced by fear and concern. Being the cause of that made his confidence crumble. He touched Kaidan's face, rubbing the worried lines, wishing it was that simple to take them away.

"You need to trust us," Kaidan said, keeping their gazes locked by leaning slightly to the side when Shepard tried to turn his head, tracking his movement. "This crew is the best there is, and I'm not just saying that. We're here to fight this war just as hard as you are. You can't win this alone and you can't expect to protect everyone by going it alone. I won't let you. We're all here for a reason. We know how dangerous this is. We know how important it is. Don't keep us out of it."

He rested his forehead against Shepard's and they both sat with fingers entwined behind the other's neck. "I need you, Shepard," Kaidan finished in a quiet voice. "I can't lose you to your impulsive heroics."

Shepard's lips quirked briefly. "I understand." He shifted to kiss Kaidan's forehead. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I just... I think about everything we've already lost and I can't stand it."

"I know," Kaidan answered.

Shepard carded his hands through Kaidan's hair and dropped his head down to his shoulder. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

"We're all in this together. Remember that."

"I will."

Kaidan nodded, looking mollified. Shepard was proud he hadn't screwed the whole confrontation up, as he was so prone to doing around the man he loved. Clearing the air with Kaidan always made him feel a little heady. Like he'd accomplished something important.

Shepard slid sideways until he was lying on the couch. Kaidan turned and leaned up against the cushions, resting the back of his head on Shepard's chest and closing his eyes. He'd forgiven Shepard for the dangerous misstep without holding a grudge, just as he'd always done.

Shepard took the opportunity to gently mess Kaidan's hair until it curled hopelessly into its natural state. "Kaidan?" he said distractedly, fascinated by the feel of soft hair and static buildup trail through his fingers. 

"Hmm?" A small, contented smile tugged at the corner of Kaidan's lips. It pulled out an answering smile from Shepard.

"Major Alenko," he said in his most official tone, "sir, I would like to ask that you officially reconsider my former request to move your quarters to the Captain's Cabin."

Kaidan eyes didn't even crack open. "Request denied, Commander." 

"Thought I'd try," he muttered. 

Kaidan smiled wider. "I'm not going anywhere tonight, Shepard. Rest assured of that."

That was good. Exactly what he needed, in fact. Because as much as he joked around to ignore it, he felt the nightmares waiting to return. The dreams the beacons had brought him. And more than anything he needed something to anchor him in darkness when he woke. He needed Kaidan. Nothing else mattered tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playtime is over, kids! On to more angst!


	7. Thessia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The war effort hits rock bottom. Shepard gets angry.

_And the good news just keeps on coming, _Shepard thought sarcastically as the Asari counselor quietly asked for his help on Thessia. Granted, her lead for the Prothean VI was probably good, but he wasn't exactly in a charitable mood this late in the game.__

Vega seemed to echo his thoughts as Shepard and his team walked back to the transit hub. "For all their talk about every man for himself defending their homelands, they sure are quick to ask for help," he said curtly.

Shepard agreed, though he understood why. "You can only run scared for so long before you're forced to see the truth. None of us can fight the Reapers alone."

"It must be bad," Liara said slowly, always trying to see the diplomatic option. "But the counselor wouldn't have come to you if the lead wasn't going to somehow help us all."

In an easier time, Shepard might have given her the benefit of the doubt and agreed with her, but his rope was wearing extremely thin these days. It had been worse than pulling teeth to forge any of the alliances they had made thus far, and the more destruction the Reapers wrought, the harder it became to find anyone willing to join them. They were all running scared until the Crucible was finished, but sometimes Shepard simply wished they could all just run together for once. However, seeing as how that was unlikely to happen until every last damn species had their backs scratched, all Shepard could do was move as quickly as possible towards the goal.

He sucked in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, willing his constant irritation to bleed from his body. It didn't work. 

"Regardless," Shepard said wearily, "we need to get on top of this now. At this point I'll take whatever I can get, ulterior motives or not."

The airlock doors opened to admit them back on the _Normandy_ and they waited out the decontamination cycle in silence. Once aboard, Shepard instructed Joker to set course for Thessia.

* * *

It was all Shepard could do to keep moving once they reached Thessia. They hadn't stayed on Earth long enough for him to get a feel for what the destruction actually looked like. Palaven, on the other hand, had been pretty bad even though they weren't on the planet proper. Thessia was the first real look Shepard had of the true force of the Reaper threat screaming down on them and choking their lungs with heat and ash. He couldn't blame Liara for only being able to murmur, "goddess," as they moved beyond the checkpoint to the temple.

As they paused to take case the area, Kaidan said softly, "there's a lot of moments in my life that I wish I could forget. The first life I saw taken, the first life I had to take, and now this."

"Was it like this on Earth?" Liara managed, almost like she didn't really want to know.

"Yes," Shepard answered. He took precious moments to squeeze Liara's shoulder. Then he stepped to Kaidan. "Don't lose focus. Thessia can be rebuilt – everything can be rebuilt - if we can do this." 

Kaidan put a hand on Shepard's shoulder guard to hold him still. He brought their foreheads together briefly. "Understood." Then he turned to Liara and rubbed her arm. "We have to move."

Crashing a Reaper convention with biotics and gunfire, and two shots from Shepard's rocket launcher later, they secured the temple. All the sounds from outside seemed to fade away as they entered the building. Shepard stopped short not far from the door. He could feel it. That slight vibration in the back of his teeth and the pressure of a headache trying to take form.

"There's a beacon here," he said at length.

For all the effort the Asari put into hiding the thing, it didn't take the trio long to uncover the levers to release the beacon and the VI. The uncovered VI registered their timeline and the Reaper threat and told them that it was too late for their cycle. Shepard's irritation flared once again. He was sick and tired of every last being, living or not, telling him what he could and could not accomplish in this war.

"Our cycle isn't finished yet," he said tightly. "We're out there fighting the Reapers right now. We're building the Crucible _right now_. All we need is your help to finish it. We can still win this!" He wasn't holding his breath, but still felt awash in relief when the VI agreed to interface with their systems and help with the construction. To finally, _finally_ give them what they needed.

Reaper threat aside, Shepard idly thought that this mission was going a lot more smoothly than most. They had what needed to win this war.

Until Kai Leng showed up. Until the Illusive Man proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was indoctrinated. Until Cerberus threatened the single shred of hope the galaxy had to stop the Reapers. Until Shepard's rage tore through him at impossible levels and he threw himself forward with a biotic flare that ripped through the floor, sending his team and Leng stumbling backwards. He heard Liara shout his name. He heard Kaidan warn him about the gunship.

"Flank that bastard," Shepard ordered loudly, letting his biotic flow seep through his veins. "He's not getting away this time."

But Kai Leng was faster than he'd ever been before. He dodged Shepard's bullets and his biotics. He broke free of Liara's stasis field immediately, and he was even able to avoid Kaidan's long rage biotic assaults. They were wasting precious minutes chipping away at Leng's defenses with lucky shots while dodging missiles from the gunship. At one point, Shepard even thought they had him. But that was about the time Kai Leng decided he'd had enough of their little play date. Shepard wasn't exactly sure where the explosion came from. It might have been Leng. It might have been the gunship. Either way, he found himself tumbling into a void beneath the temple, only just able to grab for purchase on a piece of the falling floor to hold himself up.

No. No, this couldn't happen. That VI was their only hope. Leng couldn't have it. Cerberus couldn't have it. His muscles screamed as he shimmied up the twisted metal and crumbling rock. He hadn't failed up until this point, there was no way he would start now. Every tendon in his body felt ready to snap. Faster. He had to go faster. _Just get there, Shepard._ A hand on his shoulder pulled him out of the hole. He didn't take a second to catch his breath or even assess the situation. He jumped to his feet gasping and sprinted towards Leng, firing off as many rounds as he could. It didn't matter, though. Kai Leng was gone with their last option. The Reapers had won.

It didn't make any sense. How did this happen? How _could_ it have happened? He'd spent so long questioning himself and growing from that. Believing his teammates when they told him he had the ability to do this. Trusting humanity and all the galactic races to drive the Reapers back. He didn't understand. He looked at Liara and didn't understand her tears. He looked at Kaidan and didn't understand his pained expression. He looked out at Thessia and didn't understand the destruction. He didn't understand any of it.

* * *

He had failed. What was it like to fail an entire galaxy? Shepard was sure he felt at least some of it when he reported back to the Asari counselor and told her what had happened on Thessia. It hurt almost more than he could take, but he listened to her. He took in her grief with his own. She didn't blame him directly, but he wished that she would. When she cut the feed, Shepard stood silently in the comm room, head bowed. Crying felt like a good option, but even that didn't seem like enough. Not by a long shot.

"Shepard?"

Shepard turned around, not expecting his legs to keep him upright. "Kaidan."

Kaidan took Shepard by the shoulders and pulled him into his arms. Shepard pressed his face to Kaidan's neck, pressure on his closed eyes to hold back the despair. "I never thought we'd be defeated," he said, voice muffled by Kaidan's uniform.

Kaidan's hands rubbed brisk circles over his back. "We're not," he said harshly. "Not yet, Shepard."

Shepard shoved himself backwards and hit the wall, kicking it with his heel. He let his roiling ire spill out onto Kaidan. That's what he'd come for, to be the outlet no matter what feeling tumbled out. "What the hell else is there to do? Cerberus kicked our asses out there! The Crucible is incomplete without that VI, and I just let down trillions of people! So, tell me, Kaidan. What the fuck am I expected to do now?"

Kaidan got right in his face, determination strong in his eyes. "You stop thinking we're beaten, for one," he bit out. "We're still here. And as long as we're still alive, we keep fighting. We find Cerberus and take back what they stole. And if we can't do that, we find another way!" He placed both palms on Shepard's chest, grabbing fistfuls of his uniform just to hold on. "I know what you're going through right now. I bet it feels pretty fucking easy to fall apart, but you can't do that. None of us can. If you start thinking it's over now, we have no chance. Shepard, I can't believe we're beaten. Please, don't lose hope now. We can do this."

Shepard pulled away again, scrubbed his hands over his head, and yelled in frustration. Then he breathed deeply. In and out. Kaidan was right, as ever. Breaking wasn't an option. He forced his rage to fade, staring directly at Kaidan the entire time. Neither of their gazes wavered. It helped. It gave him back his resolve. After a moment he stepped up to Kaidan and grasped his arms, fingers wrapping around his biceps. "Kaidan. I'm angry. So goddamn angry."

"Use that," he answered with a hard look. "It's what keeps me going sometimes."

Shepard surged forward and trapped Kaidan in a bruising kiss that the other man seemed to have been expecting. His mouth opened under Shepard's immediately and he let his teeth and tongue and the pressure of his lips tell of his certainty. The moved together, bodies pushed tightly together for just a minute, just a second, just long enough to shut the galaxy and the failure away. Long enough for both of them to remember exactly how important this war was.

Shepard broke the restless embrace after a brief stolen moment. He touched Kaidan's face; ran his thumb over his swollen lips. Tapped their foreheads together, breathing each other's air calmly. Kaidan's hand slid behind Shepard's neck, just below the amp port. A warm, sure, comforting touch. Not letting him go. Never letting him go. "We're going after Cerberus," Shepard said firmly.

"I'm with you."

Shepard kissed him again, slower, to tell Kaidan he'd got the message and thanked him for it from the bottom of his heart. He stepped back, watching Kaidan's eyes refocus as his chin tipped up for more of the contact he hadn't been ready to lose. Shepard smiled and Kaidan kissed his smile briefly. Shepard clapped Kaidan on the shoulder and departed to the war room where most of his crew was already assembled, looking unsure. He sucked in a breath and held it for a second. He was a leader. Their commander. He couldn't keep letting them down with his own self-doubt. They trusted him and depended on him. And it was time to stop screwing around.

"I'm sick of Cerberus being a step ahead," he said, letting his usually-controlled anger show. Sometimes it helped everyone if they knew exactly how he was feeling; where he was coming from. "We need to find them, so where are they? Anyone? Anything?"

EDI and Samantha exchanged a quick look that his sharp eyes caught immediately. "Give it to me. Whatever you've got."

"Well," Samantha started, "I'm not sure of this-"

"Show me." If Shepard wasn't allowed to doubt himself anymore, neither were any of the rest of his crew. Neither Traynor nor EDI had been wrong about their hunches before, so whatever straws they grasped at together, would pan out. He was sure of it. Traynor directed them to a strange signal on Horizon, and even though Kaidan voiced his doubts about there being anything significant there, Shepard called their course in to explore Sanctuary. A thin lead, after all, was still a lead. And it was all they had. If their scans showed that Kai Leng was on Horizon at the Sanctuary facility, that's where they'd go. This really was their last chance. They had no choice but to take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I'm gonna warn you now that the next chapter might be a bit of a wait. Not super long, but longer than the 2 or 3 days you're used to waiting. I have a broken arm and a broken rib AND a convention to staff from Thursday to Sunday AAAAAND my MEBB fic to finish. It's a bit much to do and take care of, so I humbly beg your patience. I love you all so much for putting up with my slowness. :)


	8. Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard finds out about the Lazarus project and questions what it means to be human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ** _EDIT:_** Thanks for the notes, but yes, I know the Lazarus project data is discovered on Cronos rather than Sanctuary. I tried not to mess with continuity too much to suit my purposes, but I thought it was a fairly minor thing to change that wouldn't affect the original story of the game.
> 
> Those of you who follow me on Tumblr already know this, but the chapter was delayed because of a significant loss in my family. I am so sorry that it took me weeks to get it done, but honestly, writing angst was impossible for awhile. However, I'm back in the game now. I can't promise to have the last few chapters up in 48~ish hours like I used to, but I CAN promise that it won't take me weeks. I do appreciate your patience and am so grateful for your comments and kudos and support.

Horizon proved to be more of a fruitful endeavor than any of the crew had initially anticipated. In fact, Shepard found himself chest deep in the very answers he didn't know he didn't want. His blood ran cold as EDI pulled up the data files on the Lazarus project for him to see. He should have known. He shouldn't have asked. His heart broke when Kaidan said, "you're real enough for me." What did that even mean? Real enough? Meaning not completely? Not himself? Not real? What the hell did it all _mean_?

He tried not to think about it as they blazed through Sanctuary on the heels of Miranda and Kai Leng, but his mind raced completely out of sync with his body. Luckily his training allowed him to stay alive when his mind was elsewhere. Especially since EDI and Kaidan knew exactly what to do. Knew where to pick up his slack, and if they noticed anything more off than normal, both were wise enough not to say anything.

Cerberus. Shepard had had enough of their bullshit and human engineering to last _another_ lifetime. Perhaps his teammates should have considered stopping him at some point because when they entered the room where they were certain Miranda had fled, Shepard zoomed in all of his distrust, his hatred, his fear of himself, his wrath, on Henry Lawson, who seemed to embody every poisonous aspect of Cerberus, down to the willingness to kill his own children. Shepard raised his pistol and demanded Henry release Oriana. He refused. Shepard had almost hoped he would.

But this kill wouldn't be his, no matter how much he wanted it for everything that organization had done to him and countless other innocent lives. Miranda had that privilege, and his heart sang just a little as she pushed Oriana to the safety of Kaidan's arms and punched her father through the glass window behind him with an impressive biotic display. She thanked Shepard with a smile when it was over, even as she hunched over her wound. It was the last thing he deserved, but he'd owed her. For saving him. For planting a tracker on Kai Leng. For being a damn good friend who he hadn't trusted in the slightest until she sought him out on the Citadel after abandoning Cerberus.

* * *

Kaidan didn't come to the Captain's Cabin immediately after the mission, though Shepard had hoped he would. Instead, he found himself in the company of EDI, playing chess to while away the time while Hackett read their report and the data was compiled for their next move.

"You seem troubled, Shepard," EDI said after a particularly well-timed attack on his bishop.

"What do you mean?" he asked, thinking he knew the answer and silently thanking her for her learned tact.

"Should I have withheld the information on the Lazarus project?"

He looked up at her, surprised. That wasn't exactly what he'd expected. "No. Why do you think so?"

She shifted on the sofa, imitating discomfort as she had seen other crew members do countless times. "I thought that the information would have been useful to you. However, it appears that it has caused you distress. I am sorry."

Shepard shook his head and thoughtfully tapped one of the pawns rhythmically against his bottom lip. "It's not your fault, EDI. In fact, I'm grateful that I know. It's just... hard to work through. Hard to think about."

"I'm afraid I do not understand."

Shepard smiled a little. "Even though we're faced with our own mortality almost every day out here, it's hard to imagine dying. It's something humans, at least, try not to think too much about. But I've already died once, you know? Still, I didn't know I had until I saw those vids. And knowing how much work Cerberus put into me... I'm trying to figure out if I'm the same person. If I'm still completely human."

EDI tilted her head and after a pause said, "how do you feel?"

"Come again?"

"You've said many times that no matter what Cerberus did to you, you are still you. Has that feeling changed?"

"No," he answered slowly.

"Then my assessment is that you are, as you say, 'completely human.'"

Shepard laughed despite himself. "How do you figure?"

"I have asked you before what makes us human. What makes us alive. I am fully synthetic, but I believe that you and I are not so different, Shepard."

Shepard placed the pawn back on the board and slid it into place. "You're probably right about that. Did you ever find an answer to that question you asked me a long time ago? Are we more than the sum of our thoughts?"

EDI moved to block his pawn. "I have concluded that we are."

"Same here," Shepard answered, finally admitting defeat and giving up his queen. "I'm glad we understand each other."

"As am I," EDI answered. She stood. "Shepard, it may not be my place to say, but perhaps you should speak about this with Major Alenko as well."

Shepard shrugged. "I get it. I'd doubt me, too."

"You misunderstand," she replied. "He is not doubting you. Rather, he seems... worried."

"Thank you, EDI," Shepard said.

"Any time, Shepard." She let herself out with a nod to him.

Shepard leaned back on the sofa and pulled up his omni-tool. "Kaidan, you free?"

"Yeah, I'll be right up."

He didn't know how to handle the situation and had little time to wonder about it. His door opened again a minute later to admit Kaidan. 

"How you holding up, Shepard?" he asked, taking a seat on sofa with more than enough space between them to make Shepard uncomfortable.

"I'm fine," he said, to which Kaidan nodded as if he'd been expecting the answer. Expecting to be blown off. "Just needed some time to process what we found," he added.

"Yeah," Kaidan answered. "I meant what I said back there."

Shepard reached out to touch Kaidan's arm, though he didn't move closer. "I know. I appreciate it. And I meant what I said back on Mars. I'm still the same person. I'm still me."

Kaidan's eyebrows raised in surprise. "I never thought otherwise."

"But I did," Shepard admitted, looking away. "For a minute there I wasn't sure if I still _was_ the same person who went down with the _Normandy_. But I feel the same and think the same, so it's gotta be true, right? I don't know. I've never been good at existential thought."

Kaidan chuckled warmly. "Maybe not, but you know who you are. That's good enough."

"For you?"

Kaidan scooted closer. "For me and for everyone. No one doubts who you are, Shepard. I loved you before Cerberus put you back together, and I love you just the same now. Well... maybe more. But you get what I'm saying."

"I get it," Shepard answered, tangling his fingers in the gray hair peppering Kaidan's temples. "I love you more with the gray. It's so hot."

"I knew you hadn't changed the second I realized you still couldn't have a serious conversation with me for more than ten seconds." All the same, he leaned forward and kissed Shepard's boyish grin, leading him down the road of intimate familiarity that made Shepard feel as if everything was going to be fine. As if _he_ was fine.

Kaidan led them both to the bed, removing clothes expertly, Shepard letting him take the lead with blissful passivity. But Kaidan knew the score. Always, he always knew what Shepard wanted. What he needed. Trailed his biotics over their bodies until Shepard's skin was flushed and he was panting with desire. It always led to this and it always would. His one constant in the entire universe. The one person who knew him. The singular moment he could always turn to when things got grim. He knew he'd always feel like this. And he wanted it. Wanted it and wanted it and wanted it. The familiar touch and Kaidan's comforting weight on top of him as he drove them both to that split second in time where nothing else mattered except what they were feeling right then. It made him calm. Made him whole.

Later, in the low light given off by the cabin's fish tank, Kaidan said, "I might have changed my mind about moving my quarters."

Shepard pulled Kaidan close and kissed him deeply. "Best news I've heard all day."

"I know you like getting your way," he returned wryly.

Shepard propped himself up on his elbow, eyes roaming over Kaidan's face, the hard lines and angles illuminated beautifully in the blue light. "It's not just that," he admitted. "I feel like there might not be so much time left, you know? We're here now, and we've got what we have now. I don't want to waste it."

"Don't be morbid," Kaidan said, trying to turn his head away, but Shepard caught his chin. He needed Kaidan to listen. To understand.

"I'm being real, Kaidan. I'm not saying we can't win this war. Hell, we've got a better chance than any other cycle before us, and we're sure as shit fighting hard enough. But that doesn't mean all of us are going to make it out alive. The _Normandy's_ going to be leading the charge. It's how it should be, sure, but it's not the safest place."

Kaidan reached out and stroked his fingers over Shepard's chest. "Yeah."

"If this is all I have left - all the time I'm going to get with you - I want every damn second."

Kaidan rested his free arm behind his head and stared up at the skylight above them. "You're being awfully open tonight. Is this all that's about?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure. I just want you to know where I'm coming from."

"I appreciate it, Shepard," he said thoughtfully. "But, hey, promise me you won't lose hope. Don't give up no matter what. Can you promise me that?"

Shepard bent down and kissed Kaidan again, never getting enough of it. "That I can do," he promised.

_Anything. No matter what happens._

And Kaidan kept his word. He got up shortly before the morning cycle and made his way to the crew quarters to pack his belongings. James grinned knowingly and heckled him the entire time while Samantha reminded him not to forget his toothbrush on the way out.

* * *

The next morning Admiral Hackett called in with results of their mission data. "Commander, the data you collected so far looks good. I concur with your assessment on the Cerberus base. But we need to be ready. It's going to take a lot of firepower to bring Cerberus down, and once we go after them, there's no turning back."

Shepard stood taller, rolling his shoulders back. "I agree, sir," he said. "When do you suggest we move?"

Hackett shifted on his feet. "The Crucible is nearly complete. It won't be long. We should wait until then because once start the attack, we won't be able to protect the Crucible for long."

"Is there anything we can do out here to prepare?"

"Yes, in fact," Hackett answered. "There are several upgrades to the _Normandy_ that we didn't have the time to finish before the Reapers arrived. If you return to the Citadel, I can have our engineers get them done."

Good news from Alliance command for once. Would wonders never cease. "Understood, sir. I'll set course immediately."

"Excellent. I'll have a team waiting for you when you arrive. Hackett out."

Shepard shut the call off and instructed Joker to adjust their course. Minutes later he received a call from David Anderson. He pulled up the call on the comm.

"Good to see you, Anderson," he said, genuinely pleased. "How you holding up?"

Anderson shrugged in his normal way. "It's bad out here, but we're holding on. We've found ways to avoid the Reapers so the situation's getting better, if that's possible."

"Glad to hear it. Was there something you needed?"

This time Anderson smiled. "Hackett told me you're bringing the _Normandy_ in for her dry dock repairs. Shepard, I want you use my apartment while you're there. It's not doing me any good, anyway."

Shepard opened and closed his mouth. For real? "That's very generous, sir, but why?"

"I bought the place to settle down, but I was born in London, and once this is all over, I think I'm gonna stay. I can't use the apartment, so I want you to have it."

"Are... are you sure?" 

"You'd be doing me a favor," Anderson answered. "It's yours now. Relax. Enjoy it. And I'll be seeing you soon."

"Thank you," Shepard said gruffly, wondering what exactly the feeling was that crept up the back of his neck. In truth, David Anderson was the closest thing he'd ever had to a father. He had no idea what it felt like to have one, but imagined it would have been something like this. Anderson had looked out for him back when Shepard was just a punk kid out of Brain Camp. He'd shown him the ropes on Arcturus, and if Shepard got into any scrapes with the other recruits, which happened from time to time, his CO always called Anderson to make him feel guilty about it. It had been pretty damn wonderful to have someone like Anderson to answer to.

"Take care of yourself out there, Shepard," Anderson said after a moment. "We've all been watching you. It's done us good to see the _Normandy_ still out there leading the way."

Shepard nodded. "Stay safe, Anderson. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Counting on it. Anderson out."


	9. Silversun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange days on the Citadel during shore leave. It's the last of the calm before the storm.
> 
> _**Now with art by the AMAZING[Tovaras](http://tovaras.tumblr.com/)!** _

A clone. Of course it was a clone. Naturally. What else would it be besides a clone? And why would his crew, his trusted friends, be supportive and not heckle him the _entire_ time? True friends were _supposed_ to be supportive. Well, they had had his back if nothing else. Something was better than nothing, Shepard supposed. And at least he'd had the chance to see Kaidan in formal wear, he thought wistfully as they all raced through the archives deep into the vaults until they stumbled onto Shepard's clone face to face.

Shepard came up short. Stared. Shot glances to James and Kaidan who were openly gaping. Good, it wasn't just his brain that had gone a little bit mad at the sight. He'd fought husks, and the Collectors, and watched a thresher maw take down a Reaper. Still, nothing he'd ever seen had been quite this... weird. Off kilter in the strangest way. How was he supposed to act when he was sort of staring at himself in the mirror?

"That's creepy," he said.

"Agreed," James said behind him.

Then, naturally, they'd insulted the enemy enough to be thrown into an iridium vault. Right. The whole thing was so surreal that Shepard felt himself slipping towards laughter. Deep, uncontrollable, from-his-gut laughter. But he held it back somehow. He ordered Glyph calmly to get them out of there and soon enough they were free.

However, being locked in a vault turned out to be the least of their worries as soon as they got word the _Normandy_ was being hijacked. In all honesty, Shepard knew he should have been pissed off beyond belief as Joker took them to the docking bay as fast as the skycar could get them there. He should have been indignant about breaking Samantha Traynor's toothbrush in order to break onto his own ship. He should have been entirely put out having to army crawl through the maintenance level while James's ass filled his field of vision. He should have been horrified at filling his CIC with bullet holes as his team forcefully removed the hijackers from the ship. But he wasn't. He didn't feel any of those things. He ducked behind a supply crate and chuckled as Kaidan and James tumbled beside him as the _Normandy_ pitched and rolled through the Citadel sky.

"How the hell is this funny, Loco?" Vega demanded, peppering Shepard's clone with gunfire and curses.

"It's not," he answered, ducking from his cover to return fire. But it _was_. It just was. This shit wasn't supposed to happen. And then it did. And it was too much. Kaidan discharged his thermal clip and activated his biotic shield while not commenting on the flying circus their day had become. Shepard clapped him on the shoulder as he ran by to the docking bay doors where he'd seen the clone and Brooks go.

The ending was less than graceful, even Shepard could admit that. He hadn't wanted to see his clone die, as much as his mind refused to accept that he actually had one. He never wanted to see anyone die because of Cerberus and their twisted thinking. But he didn't mourn. He couldn't. That two year-old life with his exact face didn't want what he'd been built to do. It was harsh and unfair, but there was never a day in his life where Shepard would slight anyone for decisions they made honestly and in earnest. So he holstered his gun and closed the shuttle bay doors to help set right another mess that these strange times had created.

* * *

To his dying day Shepard would contend that Joker had strong-armed him into throwing the epic "End of the Universe" party. And anything Joker decided to call "epic" was doomed. So, in the hours before the party, Shepard took the small amount of time he had left to himself and called Kaidan over to the apartment for some real R&R. 

Kaidan cooked for him while he protested the treatment, mostly out of embarrassment. Even his foster mom had never actually cooked something just for him. So he drank his beer and watched and teased Kaidan for burning the garlic, even though he had no idea what burned garlic actually looked or smelled like. And the steak was fantastic. Leave it to Kaidan.

"When was the last time we just sat down like this?" Kaidan mused as they fell together on the sofa, Shepard's arm draped over Kaidan's shoulders, and the older man leaning comfortably against his ribs.

"I'm thinking never," Shepard answered, not without a dose of humor to his voice.

They watched the fire for a time until Kaidan said, "was there something you wanted to do?"

Shepard smirked at the easily laid trap. "I think we need to find a way to burn off all these calories, don't you?" He stood and walked towards the stairs, hoping that line hadn't come out too cheesy. But he heard a dusty chuckle behind him and warm hands touch his hips. Kaidan spun him around and immediately dipped forward to run his lips over Shepard's neck, right on the pulse. A small shudder wracked Shepard's body and he leaned into the touch. It felt like forever since they'd had enough downtime to take it slow. And it felt so damn good.

Kaidan's lips were on his, opening over him and snaking his tongue inside to curl with Shepard's, combining their tastes. With a heady moan, Shepard pulled Kaidan against him and slanted his head for a deeper angle. He stepped back after a moment and tugged at Kaidan's belt, stepping backwards up the stairs. Kaidan followed silently, undoing their shirts and the buckles on their pants. On the second story landing Shepard shrugged his shirt over his shoulders and pawed at Kaidan's chest, disposing of his as well.

Kaidan hummed in the back of his throat and his eyes drifted closed briefly. "Shepard," he breathed.

Shepard grinned and quickly took them to the master bedroom. His body was thrumming with lust and impatience. His biotics flashed and he used them to push Kaidan. The older man's eyes widened as the carefully controlled hit knocked him back onto the bed. He chuckled at Shepard's triumphant look.

"Playing dirty," he said.

Shepard's knees hit the mattress and he crawled up the bed over Kaidan as the other man leaned back onto his elbows. "Always," he answered.

Kaidan lifted his leg and rubbed his knee against Shepard's erection, eliciting a moan of longing. "I want you naked and inside me like, yesterday," Kaidan said boldly.

Shepard locked his arms and stared at his lover, surprised and turned on at the audacious statement. His feral grin grew wider. Kaidan clearly had no idea what effect he had on Shepard. Of what thoughts pounded through his head every time they touched. If he did... well, he might not be so cheeky. Or maybe he would. Kaidan was hard to read sometimes.

But this was good, too. He shook his head. "We're on shore leave," he protested lightly. "There's no reason to rush." Then he dipped his head down and met Kaidan's lips with his again. He felt the strong body beneath him arch up and wiggle a bit as Kaidan removed his pants and briefs. Shepard did the same, trying to maintain contact with Kaidan's mouth as he struggled gracelessly out of his clothes. 

Kaidan's hands were on him in a flash, rediscovering the dips and swells a dozen times over until Shepard was panting and painfully hard. He'd said he didn't want to rush so he roamed over Kaidan's body with lips and tongue without venturing below the waist, but he was fast losing his resolve. Even more so when Kaidan activated his biotics around them.

Shepard gasped. Kaidan smirked and his fingers finally found Shepard's dick, stroking the erection gently with a sigh of contentment.

Shepard pushed forward into Kaidan's hands, rubbing his dick on calluses and against that insane biotic tingle. He responded by activating his own biotics and they tugged on Kaidan's, drawing out a long, low moan from his lover. He would have given anything to have some more time for things like this on a regular basis. More time to memorize Kaidan's body; where all his freckles were or the exact shape of all of his muscles. But he'd take what he could get for now. And now he was getting that amazingly soft mouth over the entire length of his body, trailing down to his dick where Kaidan took him deep enough to make Shepard's eyes roll back in his head. His fingers sifted through black curls, pulling tightly and holding on. But it wasn't long before he felt too close to the edge and he shoved Kaidan off quickly, biting back a curse. They didn't have all the time in the universe, but they certainly had more time than Shepard's body was giving him at the moment.

Holding his gaze, Kaidan moved to the end table beside the bed and pulled out the lube, bending over to give Shepard a good long look at a fine, toned ass. Shepard gritted his teeth and kneeled on the bed, his jumbled mind praying for both more and less of this sweet torture.

Kaidan turned back to him and held up the bottle. "Your call tonight," he said.

Shepard grabbed at the lube and popped the top, laving it over his fingers and practically tackling Kaidan in his enthusiasm.

The older man laughed and wrapped his arms around Shepard's neck, brushing his amp port encouragingly and planting wet kisses over his face.

Shepard slipped a finger inside Kaidan, causing his lover to arch up off the bed with a cry. Shepard calmed him with a soothing touch over his abs before pushing another finger against the tight band of muscle, spreading him carefully. He watched greedily as Kaidan flushed and writhed under him. It was glorious torture.

Soon, Kaidan's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist tightly, stilling his hand. His eyes were screwed shut and he was panting audibly. Shepard got the message loud and clear.

He lifted Kaidan's hips and slid him down the bed and into his lap, slowly entering Kaidan with a curse. "So tight," he said.

Kaidan didn't answer, but his chin tipped up, exposing his throat. Shepard thrust home and doubled over, kissing Kaidan's chest and trailing his tongue over the collarbone. Kaidan's arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close and their bodies slid together as Shepard thrust deeply, his breath hissing out with every push.

It didn't take long before he heard the telltale signs of Kaidan's impending orgasm. The impossibly hot, _hnn_ that always got trapped behind his teeth. Shepard thrust harder, squeezing his eyes shut and tearing over the edge into bliss, feeling Kaidan's inner walls clench around him as he was carried along.

And then came the best part. Sinking into the mattress and lazily finding the most comfortable positions for their sweaty and sated limbs. Neither of them bothered to talk and break the afterglow. They simply dozed together in a rare moment of stolen calm.

* * *

When Shepard woke, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes vigorously, Kaidan was gone and the message light on his terminal was blinking. He yawned and pulled the message up on his omni-tool. Joker. Party. Right. Not that he didn't want to have a good time before they were called back to action, but... he knew his crew. Joker had promised he'd make sure that no one burned the place down, though somewhere in the back of his mind, Shepard cringed at the knowledge that burning his place down was a very real possibility.

Either way, he emailed the invites and messaged Joker that the party was a go. His email pinged back a moment later and it was from Kaidan, saying he'd already been woken up by the pilot to requisition supplies for the event. 

Shepard slid from the bed and shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower. He tipped his head to the spray and his mind wandered to his crew. He smiled a little. They deserved a party for what he'd put them through. It would do them all good to let their hair down, so to speak. And if they set fire to apartment, hell, he knew at least Garrus and Grunt would call that a successful shindig. 

He was just buckling his pants when he heard the door chime and Kaidan and Liara's voice drift up the stairs. Relaxing jazz music filled the place a moment later and Shepard found Liara plating snacks and sushi while Kaidan pulled glasses from the cabinets over the sink.

"Thank you for bravely agreeing to host," Liara smiled, kissing Shepard's cheek as she passed by to put the food out in the living room.

"It's not a real Alliance party without a bit of danger," Shepard answered, winking at Kaidan.

"Famous last words," Kaidan said.

The door chimed again and Joker called out his greeting. Shepard grinned wider. Trust his pilot to show up unfashionably early to a gathering. James Vega, Samantha Traynor, and EDI followed on his heels, filling the living room with lively conversation about taking back the _Normandy_. Joker was laughing loudly about Traynor being stupid enough to give anything expensive to Commander Shepard while expecting it back in one piece.

"I'll replace the damn thing," Shepard protested, passing drinks around. "I said I would and I'm a man of my word. Don't know why you insist on having such an expensive one, though."

Samantha snorted derisively as she sipped her drink. "Dental hygiene is the most important skill you can have."

More people began to filter in slowly, taking their drinks and breaking into smaller groups. And after an hour no one seemed tempted to break anything, so Shepard finally felt his shoulders start to relax. He poured himself another drink and left Zaeed to his... actually impressive flirting with Samara to join the group in the living room.

Kaidan was standing in front of the fireplace, listening to Vega and Garrus challenge each other with war stories. He sidled up behind his lover. "Nice seeing you in action on the car lot today," he grinned. "It was pretty hot."

Kaidan's answering grin over his shoulder went straight to his gut. "Why, thank you," he said with a husky drawl.

"What would I do without you?"

Kaidan raised a shoulder and met his eyes with warm affection. "You'll never find out."

Shepard lightly pressed his chest to Kaidan's back and slipped his hands into his back pockets, giving his lover's ass a nice, appreciative squeeze before pulling away. "You know I'm going to hold you to that, Kaidan," he said.

"Aye, aye, Commander," Kaidan flirted.

Somewhere around the corner Jack slurred, "get a room, losers."

A crash sounded from somewhere upstairs. Kaidan chuckled. Shepard set his eyes heavenward and sidled backwards towards the kitchen with a long-suffering look. "Leave the kids alone for five minutes and they wreck the place."

"That'll teach you to open your liquor cabinet so casually."

Shepard winked and disappeared into the next room to control whatever chaos had broken out this time. He found Garrus and Zaeed trying to rig his hot tub for something sinister he decided not to ask about. Tali was swaying on the floor of the guest bathroom insisting she was fine. A surprisingly demure game of poker was taking place in the lounge, and the rest of the crew was digging into the back of the liquor cabinet at the bar. It was a success so far, he figured.

Another couple of hours later, the crew was drunk enough to quiet down. Kaidan found Shepard sprawled on the master bed, hands folded behind his neck, staring at the ceiling. Shepard reached out and tugged the front of Kaidan's uniform, bringing the older man down on top of him. Kaidan scooted around until he was tucked comfortably against Shepard's chest.

"Found this in my pocket." Kaidan held out his hand, palm up, showing Shepard he'd discovered the gift. A plain platinum ring. Kaidan rolled the simple band between his thumb and forefinger. "I like the engraving," he said, voice lower and rougher than normal.

_I love you. Always_

Shepard grinned. Kaidan pushed up and braced both hands on either side of Shepard's head, locking their eyes. "My answer is 'yes.'"

Shepard's breath puffed out. He didn't realize he'd been holding it. Kaidan bent down and kissed him thoroughly.

* * *

The next morning, only slightly worse for wear, the crew gathered outside Docking Bay D24 in front of the _Normandy_ for what felt very much like the last time. Camera crews crowded the dock as Liara rigged a small holo-projector and dialed up Admiral Hackett and David Anderson.

Anderson smiled knowingly. "Thought you'd chickened out, son," he said, to which Shepard shrugged.

He took Kaidan's hand as Admiral Hackett began to speak. "Many people in the galaxy right now believe that it's the end of days for us. Too many lives have been lost and too many homes destroyed. This is the darkness before the dawn, but in that darkness there has been a guiding light pushing us to win. To keep fighting. To keep hoping. That light is the _Normandy_ and her crew. The never-ceasing front line assault they have been dealing against the Reapers from day one.

"Her banner inspires us and gives us hope that we will find peace again. That we will be happy again. Major Alenko. Commander Shepard. You both are a paragons of hope for us all. You are optimistic that your love will survive as you will. That even when times are dire, there is reason to celebrate the good in us. That's why, those of us gathered here and those watching around the galaxy are honored to share in celebration of your union. To hold it up as a ray of light where so few exist. I commend you for your dedication to each other and your bravery as you join your lives when the future is so uncertain. I am glad that your love can remind us all to take even the smallest moment to remember what we all still have, and can have again.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/jupiter143/11571215743/)

"Without further ado, you may exchange your rings."

Shepard dug in his pocket and pulled the pair of platinum bands out, offering his to Kaidan. He stepped forward until their noses almost touched.

"This is the greatest challenge of my life, Shepard," Kaidan murmured as the cameras flashed around them, "and the greatest reward." He slipped his ring onto Shepard's waiting finger.

"We'll be together," Shepard answered, fighting back the lump in his throat. "I promise I'll be waiting for you. No matter what happens." He lifted Kaidan's hand to his lips before slipping the ring over his knuckle.

"With the authority granted to me by the Systems Alliance Admiralty Board, I pronounce Major Kaidan Alenko and Commander John Shepard wed with all the rights and privileges that their union brings. Congratulations. Now go ahead give the galaxy what they've been waiting for."

Shepard grinned wider and tipped his head forward, kissing Kaidan for all he was worth. It was incredibly embarrassing, impossibly romantic, and perfectly right. Their long road of war was almost over. And now... now the Reapers had a real reason to fear Commander Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret nothing about this sappy chapter! It's my favorite. Not much more until the finale. Thank you so much for your patience! Keep those comments coming! I love every single one.


	10. Cronos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In some sort of Christmas miracle, the author writes a chapter in which the _Normandy_ prepares for the assault on Cronos Station signaling the beginning of the end.

Just the thought of Cronos Station made Shepard's skin crawl. The heart of Cerberus operations. The home of the Illusive Man. When he'd woken up that morning, Shepard had felt no fear of the place or the mission. He had slipped out from under Kaidan's arms and then the sheets, shivering slightly at the loss of extra body heat in the recycled cabin air. He performed his routine as always. Three minute regulation shower. Towel off and rub stubble. Hmm, no need for a shave. Brush teeth. Tell the tired reflection you're ready. Pull out clean duty-blues from the footlocker, but not that footlocker; it's Kaidan's now. The other one. Fix the sleeves and tie the boots to regulation standards. Don't kiss Kaidan because he will always wake fully since he started to stir when the shower turned on. Leave quietly and grab coffee on the crew deck before reporting to the CIC. Deep breath.

"Traynor, status."

"Yes, Commander. There's been an increase in Cerberus chatter. It seems they suspect our presence, but are not expecting a head-on attack."

"Good. It's no wonder. No one's crazy enough to do _that_." He grinned over his shoulder at Samantha as he stepped down from the galaxy map and headed to the comm room. Hackett was expecting his call.

"Commander," Hackett said immediately, "I've read your report. It looks good. Is your team ready?"

"As ready as we'll ever be, sir," Shepard answered. "It's now or never."

Hackett rocked back on his heels. "Very well. Keep in mind that this assault is the first phase of our final attack on the Reapers. We won't be able to hide the Crucible after this. So, get in there and get it done quickly. We'll rendezvous on Earth."

Shepard saluted smartly. "Understood, sir. Good luck."

"And to you, Commander," Hackett replied, saluting as well. He cut the feed and Shepard stood for a moment in the silence. He wasn't scared. He wasn't angry. He wasn't excited. He was simply ready.

His announcement to set course for the Horsehead Nebula sent the crew into a frenzy of final preparations. It was nearly impossible to walk anywhere without bumping into one of his subordinates jogging hastily to his or her station. This was the finest crew that the Alliance had to offer and this mission was the real test of that badge.

He spent the rest of the day organizing the ranks and rechecking everyone's preparations. Vega and Cortez had the shuttles and weapons in perfect working order. Tali and Garrus had calibrated the engines and canons well enough that they practically hummed with life as they were primed. Liara was running the numbers and collecting data almost faster than Shepard could handle receiving it, her eyes and ears open for even the slightest change. Kaidan roamed the CIC with authority, barking orders and keeping the well-oiled machine that was their ship, greased. Joker and EDI had their hands full coordinating the alien fleets and their Alliance backup. The _Normandy_ was alive, and she was deadly.

The day cycle dragged on, but for most of the crew it probably passed in the blink of an eye. Soon enough though, her non-critical systems began to power down and the crew began to disperse to get the last bits of shut-eye that they could before the final push. Shepard retreated to his cabin after answering hundreds of questions and having a dozen unscheduled meetings. He'd had every intention of sleeping for at least a few hours, but instead found himself juggling datapads and running numbers and scenarios he'd read so often they were committed to memory.

Stats, strategy, expected loss, expected gain, maybe he should just take one more look at the- "Kaidan."

"Ah. Can't sleep either?" He'd probably tried to sleep in one of the pods so as not to disturb Shepard from his work.

Shepard's back hit the wall beside the door, his head suddenly feeling extremely heavy. "No," he said quietly.

Kaidan glanced down at the data pad in Shepard's hand and then stepped around him and waved the bottle of whiskey. He knew that it wasn't Shepard _couldn't_ sleep so much as he _wouldn't_. "Just take five minutes," he said encouragingly. "A quick drink, and then I'll go."

And how could Shepard say no to that? a wry smile peeked onto his face and he did a final read through on the pad, setting it aside on the coffee table as Kaidan handed him a glass with a thumb of the whiskey in it. It was true that they were as prepared as they were going to get. No getting past that anymore. He'd run the numbers a hundred times; EDI probably a thousand more. He'd calculated every strategy and every eventuality. They were ready. And Kaidan was even busy telling him so.

He finished by saying, "it's gonna be..." _Can't do it this time, can you, Alenko? It's not gonna be all right like it was back on the SR-1. Not even I can convince you of that._ "Nah. It's gonna be what it is."

That made Shepard smile despite himself. It was so Kaidan. Going for the next best thing. Kaidan was sitting in front of him trying to tell him that he _needed_ to relax. _Needed_ to have a drink and let the rest play out how it would. So he answered, "you're exactly what I need right now, Kaidan."

And Kaidan's smile as Shepard pushed him back against the cushions on the couch was worth every last late night. Every last battle. Every last bit of self-doubt he'd nursed for three years since this mess of a war had begun. _Kaidan_. Shepard cupped the sides of his face, dipping down for a long, slow, easy kiss; his tongue finding Kaidan's in a languid dance like they had all the time in the world. And Shepard supposed they did now that it was the end of days. Go big or go home in the war. Go slow and take the experience with you in the marriage. That was all he could do as Kaidan reached up to unzip his N7 hoodie, pushing it back over his shoulders with a single, fluid motion, and chasing away the cold cabin air with his hot breath and warm lips.

Neither one spoke as they undressed themselves and undressed each other. What was the point, anyway? Shepard felt like they'd already said almost everything they needed to over the years. And there wasn't much left to talk about that wouldn't simply end up sounding cheap at this stage. So Kaidan stood and took Shepard by the hand, their wedding rings clinking together mutedly. The corner of his lip tipped up in his strange half smile, and Shepard surged forward to taste that smile thoroughly. Kaidan's arms were around his waist and guiding him backwards blindly until his calves hit the back of the mattress, and he gave Shepard a sturdy push, the commander falling to his back with a smile. Kaidan's eyes flicked over his body and then with a slight tilt to his head, he was smiling, too. 

Shepard felt deep in his gut that he didn't want to take more than he gave tonight. Kaidan's gaze slid over his face slowly before pulling him to a sitting position and hooking his legs around Shepard's waist, drawing their erections together. He must have known what his husband was thinking. After all these years, he still had that psychic power. There would be no leading or following; everything to be shared in equal measure. So when Shepard's fingers painted a portrait of muscle and scars, Kaidan's followed in a mirrored image. When Kaidan took Shepard's swollen cock in hand, the commander reached forward and stroked Kaidan at the exact same pace. Kaidan's head rolled back on his shoulders as his lips parted and Shepard leaned forward to kiss the vulnerable parts of his neck. Kaidan deftly slid one finger into Shepard's entrance, curling slightly to tease his prostate and Shepard gasped soundlessly, his eyes falling shut. They found their mirrored pace again, inside and out of each other's bodies, and when their eyes met and held, they didn't come together, but together enough.

Afterwards, they took their time cleaning one another and collapsing against the pillows in a tangled head of sated limbs and drying sweat. Shepard faced out towards the sofa, while Kaidan kissed the salt on the nape of his neck and curled himself into a perfect mold of Shepard's back. Shepard wanted to say he loved Kaidan. Tell him what he'd meant to him after all this time. Praise him for his loyalty. Thank him for his hand. But the silence in the cabin stole his voice, squeezing in his chest until he had to fill his lungs completely with air. Kaidan's breathing was gentle and even between his shoulder blades. Finally, gradually, the room faded from view around him as his eyes closed to leave him freezing and trembling in the endless woods again.

* * *

His nightmare must have broken the spell, Shepard was sure of it. He woke with a start and discovered that sounds had returned. The dull clicking of the omni-clock on the bedside table which he squinted at in the darkness. There was still time left. The resonant vibration of the mass effect field surrounding the _Normandy_ that echoed in his core. He tipped his chin up to the skylight. The field held fast and sure. _"It's gonna be what it is."_ He pushed the covers back carefully and kicked his feet over the edge of the bed as Kaidan stirred beside him. _"It's gonna be what it is."_ And what was that? Honorable? Victorious? Foolish? Hopeless? _Overwhelming_. It was too much. Too heavy. He couldn't fight the squeezing in his chest anymore, bending forward with his head in his hands. He almost cried and screamed the rest of the silence away, but just then he heard Kaidan's voice; felt the reassuring hand on his back.

He asked if they were going to make it. And Kaidan was sincere when he said they were. They were ready. _You're exactly what I need right now, Kaidan._ He pressed a small kiss to the man's lips. Stood. It was time. The war was almost over, but not here and not yet. Shepard was determined of one thing, and that was that it wouldn't end on Cronos Station. He wouldn't give the Illusive Man the pleasure. "Let's go," he said, voice confident. "Tell everyone to suit up. That bastard's winning streak ends today."

Kaidan's eyes hardened and he too climbed from the bed, throwing on a clean uniform and brushing out the wrinkles as he did every morning. Not a single hair was out of place when he faced the commander and saluted. As always, Shepard mirrored his movements then departed the cabin first. No time for the morning meal. No time for regrets. No time for second guessing. Joker announced their arrival at the relay and Shepard's piercing blue gaze swept across the CIC briefly before he said, "take us in, Joker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck me, this chapter should not have taken so long. At first it simply didn't want to cooperate, and then my life went to utter shit. Right now I'm homeless and jobless, so I have no idea when the last few chapters are going to be finished. I would like to say there's no chance of the next installment being as late as this one was, but I can't say for sure. However, writing is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment, so chances are good the wait won't be long! Thank you SO FUCKING MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE, DEAR READERS! I mean it. All of your comments and kudos and support are wind in my sails. <3


	11. Earth I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fleets reach Earth.

To his dying day Shepard would never admit to how much pleasure he felt driving his omni-blade through Kai Leng's chest. He didn't _enjoy_ killing, even though he was, by definition, a killer. But Kai Leng had cost humanity more than Shepard was willing to forgive. If not for him, the war might have already been over and never reached the point it had. The toll on lives would have been lower. A lot of things would have been different. But somehow, in some hidden part of his mind, Shepard felt as though he was taking revenge for every life Kai Leng had cost them in his theft of the VI and the effort it took to chase him down. Ultimately the Illusive Man was to blame for the division among the races, but Shepard wasn't sorry as he watched Kai Leng's blood drip along the rivets on his gauntlet and the lifeless body fall to the floor. "That was for Thane, you son of a bitch," he growled, summing up all of his feelings and rage into once sentence. It wasn't just about Thane; it was about everyone. But it was good enough and it was what came out of his mouth.

A hand on his shoulder cooled his boiling blood slightly, and he turned to see Kaidan and EDI waiting to return to the _Normandy_. The real beginning of the end. He knew it and he could see it in Kaidan's face. He flicked his wrist and flung the blood from his blade. "Let's go," he said sharply. "There's no more time. EDI, tell Hackett what we know. It's time to go home. Back to Earth."

* * *

"Shepard."

"Kaidan, I don't need to hear it."

"You don't even know what I'm going to say."

"Yes, I do. We're married, I can read your mind now."

That elicited a weak smile and a shake of the head. "Even the asari can't do that. Would you stop being stubborn for ten seconds to hear me out?"

Shepard turned and met Kaidan's eyes, even though he didn't want to. Truth be told, he was too scared to. Kaidan had always been the brave one, and even though Shepard couldn't read his mind, he _could_ read his tone of voice and he knew what the pitch of it meant. He really didn't want to hear it. He didn't want the only person he'd ever truly loved to start telling him goodbye. Because that's what Kaidan was trying to do. Alenko always had to take time to process anything important and work through it. Sometimes in his head and sometimes out loud. And this was how he was going to process letting go. But Shepard wasn't ready to do that. He hadn't married the man to have some old-school romance vid sendoff once they reached Earth. So when he met Kaidan's eyes, instead of letting him talk, Shepard kissed him on the mouth while slipping a datapad into his hand. With a coy, sexy smile, he murmured, "if you have time to bring me down with your parting speech, you have time to run some scenarios so that we can throw those words out the airlock later, right?"

Kaidan shifted closer with one foot and Shepard closed his eyes against the feeling of warm breath on his neck. "You really can read my mind, you asshole. Fine, I won't say anything. I'll just give you this." He took the datapad and then pressed a metal insignia into Shepard's hand. A platinum Spectre pin, no bigger than the palm of his hand and heavily magnetized to attach to any armor. Shepard met Kaidan's eyes for real. 

The biotic shrugged. "I have to be able to find you when it's over. In case we're separated."

Shepard had to commend Kaidan for his restraint. He probably _wanted_ to say that the homing beacon implanted in it would help him locate his body if the worst happened, but what he'd said was better. Much better. The commander turned the insignia over in his hand, then pocketed it. "I'll wear it with pride. Kind of like those ancient tales, isn't it? Knights and ladies giving them favors before going into battle?"

Kaidan grinned. "How do you even _know_ that shit? You really _are_ a fanboy for any sort of solider, aren't you? Have you studied every single type of warrior humanity's ever had?"

Shepard winked. "And other known races." He kissed Kaidan again and then saluted him lazily with his own datapad. "Send me your analysis of the strategies. Be quick, though. We'll be in the Sol System soon. I'll be on the bridge."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

And that was that. The first part of their goodbye done and it had nearly been painless, but Shepard would take the pain in his chest and wear it with as much pride as Kaidan's favor because it all meant something. He hadn't realized he was the jealous type until he saw everyone around him slowly finding their reasons to live while Kaidan had been out of his life. Shepard had been determined before, but now he was also driven. Knowing that he _had_ to survive scared him. Knowing how deeply Kaidan would mourn for him if he didn't terrified him. And that was probably the best reason he'd ever had to make it through.

* * *

Once Shepard announced their readiness, the rest happened almost in the blink of an eye. The fleets gathered as they approached the Sol relay, and Admiral Hackett himself requested to dock with the _Normandy_ in order to address them all. Shepard didn't know if it was the inspired speech, or the extra soldiers escorting Hackett crowding his CIC that started it, but the inevitability of it all was beginning to seep into his bones. He understood now what Kaidan, and probably the rest of the crew, was thinking.

And though after speaking with David Anderson over the comm, the situation sounded more grim than anticipated, he vowed to keep holding on. Too many lives were at stake. If he was die in the coming war, it wasn't going to be until the last reaper fell. He wasn't optimistic enough to promise himself that he'd survive it all outright, but he _was_ prepared to wipe the reapers off the map before his own demise.

Speeches and tactical analysis done, Shepard ordered everyone to suit up and took his spot behind Joker in the cockpit. "Take us in, Joker," he said.

"Hitting the relay in thirty seconds," Joker answered.

And then he didn't have to think anymore at all. It was all how they'd planned and he went on pure instinct and training as Joker confirmed the fleets clearing the relay and the reapers certainly noticed the invasion. Vaguely he was aware that Hackett had given him the responsibility of sending all of them to their fate, but instead of dwelling on it, he opened the com to the fighters and ordered, "punch a hole and keep them busy. Protect the Crucible at all costs."

Then it was mayhem like he'd never seen before. But he'd never been more proud. Never been more ready. Satisfied that they'd make it to the drop zone, he left Joker to his work and met the rest of his combat team in the shuttle bay. Somber expressions all around. And expectant. But what was he supposed to say in this sort of situation? There was a reason he wasn't known for giving speeches and left it to someone else. They only had a minute before loading onto the shuttle, so he used that lack of time to his advantage and simply told them all, "this is it. We're dropping into a hot zone, so stay focused. Keep moving and don't let up until we get to the rendezvous point. Good hunting."

He hefted his weapons and followed behind Kaidan onto the shuttle. He almost reached out and put his hand out to touch the pockmarked armor, but then the doors were closing and even the dampeners couldn't stop the jostle from the pounding they were taking. What felt like seconds later, Steve was calling for them to brace for a dicey landing. Gunfire. Explosions. Immediate losses that were adding up more quickly than even Shepard was prepared for. The wrenching sickness of anger at what was happening. He could hardly call Earth home, but it was still the center of humanity. Still a place he hoped to save. With a tight jaw, he ordered Steve to open the shuttle's door as they closed in on their landing zone. "Load the machine gun," he snapped.

Kaidan immediately and wordlessly programmed it. He met Shepard's eyes. Nodded once. Shepard tapped the Spectre insignia on his breastplate before turning and grabbing for the gun. Then he did what he did best and lit the landing zone up with heavy gunfire. Made Steve an acceptable safe spot to drop them. Was first to jump from the shuttle flanked by Kaidan and James. He took precious seconds to turn to them and say, "we need to find a way to get that Hades Cannon offline now. It's up to us."

Kaidan pulled up his omni-tool and showed him a scan. "The crash site isn't far from here. Pray their weapons are still good. There's no other way for us to take that cannon out."

Shepard laid a firm hand on James's shoulder. "Guess now's the time to tell you that I was the one who put your name forward for the N7 program."

"Commander-"

"Don't let me down. Get us to those weapons safe and sound. Consider it a test."

"Aye aye, Commander," James intoned with a perfect salute and even more perfect Alliance-standard scowl. "Follow my lead." And he was off like they weren't actually being swarmed by every reaper left in the galaxy.

Kaidan shored up his barrier and checked the heat sink on his rifle. "You sure it's the time for this?" he asked as he and Shepard took off in James's wake.

"Now might be the _only_ time," Shepard answered ominously, shouldering his own assault rifle and jogging to catch up with the lieutenant. 

Kaidan didn't answer or question him. He let James take the lead and did exactly what he was supposed to. Frankly, Shepard was surprised at how well he worked with Kaidan in the background while James moved them forward on point. He might have been a little jealous if he hadn't been so focused on staying alive. How many fucking Brutes could there possibly _be_? And his ammo was running thin already. He glanced to his right and saw Kaidan throwing out as much tech as he could, sweating profusely and probably near to overheating his amp seeing as how he'd given up on the biotics for now.

And in that single moment Shepard thought, _we're not gonna make it like this._ He didn't think twice or give Kaidan time to react. He flipped his rifle back into its holster, overclocked his omni-tool to strengthen his shields as much as possible, and then rushed the last brute and swarm of husks standing between them and the heavy weapons. Dimly he heard both Kaidan and James yelling for him, but it was do or die time. Recklessness might be the only thing they had left to win this war. He skidded to a halt and stared down the barrel of his demise as it ran at him with a vicious growl. Five... four... he flung a hand behind him to stop his squad from moving closer. Three... two... his mnemonic was short and tight. One... his biotics flared and he powered them into his shields, overloading them with an explosion that felt as if it was tearing him apart. But it worked. Through the bright flash of blue he saw the brute ripped to shreds and the husks scatter in every direction. Grunting, he stumbled as his biotics faded and he hit the ground with one knee, blood splattering from his nose onto his knee. James grabbed him under the armpits and dragged him up as Kaidan ran past them without a second glance. Eyes on the prize; the crash site was only a few yards away and they probably wouldn't have a clear line to it again, so Shepard stumbled until his feet were back under him properly and his vision cleared. Then he was swiping away the blood with the palm of his glove and joining his team at their objective.

"What've we got?" he asked, sniffing the blood back as it lessened.

James lifted one of the guns. "Cains. This one is good to go. There's another over there." He nodded over his shoulder and Shepard spotted the other. 

"Go left, I'll take the other Cain right. Fire on my count." He jogged around the rubble to grab the other gun and aimed it squarely at the Hades Cannon. "Take aim." He flipped the safety, feeling the hum as it warmed up and vibrated in his hands. Do or die. "Three. Two. One. Fire." He saw James's shot out of the corner of his eye. He hoped Ashley was up there guiding their shots.

She must have been. Both shots found home in seconds, the cannon erupting and collapsing with a concussive earthquake that knocked the three marines off of their feet.

"That's it!" James crowed as he scrambled to his feet.

"Move out!" Shepard yelled. "Find cover! Kaidan!"

"Already done," he called back. "Extraction's on its way."

James popped the heatsink on his shotgun and ducked behind a shattered pillar that looked as if it could still withstand another beating or two. "Time to bunker up and wait out the storm."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying so hard to get this done before we all get old and too addled to even read anymore. Thank you for your constant support!


	12. London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final push to the Citadel begins. Shepard says goodbye.

London was the biggest fucking mess that Shepard had ever seen. He supposed that was a given with the reapers and all, but as they approached the resistance base aboard the extraction shuttle, it looked less like "holding on," as Anderson had called it, and more like "barely not giving in." Through the wreckage, Shepard saw it, though. Hope. Hope through the fear. Through the longing for rest. For the worry over loved ones. Through the inevitability of death. Hope kept on. So Shepard walked tall. Shook hands. Patted shoulders. Talked to every member of his crew, past and present, who he could reach over the comms. It made sense, everyone finally coming together. Live together, die together. That's what the _Normandy_ bred. Shepard had a way of commanding that sort of loyalty, though he'd be the last one to understand it, let alone acknowledge it. But it was there when he didn't look for it or ask for it. Loyalty and trust. He had to help finish this. His ship may have been the ray of hope and defiance during a bitter war that no one had even believed was happening for so long, but it was here and it was true, and if there was ever a moment for Shepard to accept the part he played, today was that day. 

He needed to tell Kaidan... things. Lots of things. Everything. Had it really been so damn long? He looked back and almost couldn't recall a time without at least the dream of Kaidan in his life. He could remember, of course, because he hadn't been _that_ young back on Jump Zero, but still. Those memories before were now covered in a milky film. And maybe they weren't supposed to be clear. Never would be again. Maybe the world had actually _looked_ like that before. He didn't know why he was wondering about his childhood on the last day of the world, but there he was. Picking through the rubble, and all he could say was, "hey, Kaidan." Ask about his readiness. His students. _Please don't be the coward you always were with him. You can't leave it behind today._

Kaidan played along gamely for a minute or two with a small smile, answering the questions. Then he hit Shepard with a verbal one-two punch. "Guess we're old soldiers now, ey, Shepard?"

Shepard's brows came together almost like he was squinting away tears. Almost like that. "Yeah... I guess we are." 

And he was too busy squinting to really hear what Kaidan was saying until his husband took a half step forward and his voice pitched just a hair lower as he said, "we know this is goodbye."

Anger. He shouldn't have been angry. Kaidan was doing what he always did - telling the truth. But truth wasn't going to win them anything at this stage in this war. Not this one, not this time. _You have to, Shepard. You_ have _to_.

"When this is over... I'm gonna be waiting for you." He closed the distance between them, not really meaning to make his promise sound like an order, but it did anyway. "You'd better show up."

Shepard knew Kaidan so well, that he very nearly could have spoken along when the man said his "don't get me wrongs" and the "I'm gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again." That was Kaidan laid bare. But he didn't stop once the words that Shepard both needed and predicted were done. He never did. He talked himself in for just a few more moments. Anything he could get because he knew who Shepard was. Knew that he was needed for just a few more seconds. But he couldn't ask Shepard for that time. 

Shepard gave it willingly, though. And when it was finished, and Shepard was ready to be a solider again, he shrugged his shoulders. Squinted at what he'd convinced himself was dust in his eyes. Tried to reestablish the professional distance he desperately needed in order to run to his death. "Take care... Major."

He was relieved that Kaidan wasn't through being a husband just yet. When the firm hand caught his gauntlet and dragged him close, lips meeting in a closed-mouth kiss, Shepard let his heart pound. Let himself be scared. Let Kaidan's truth be okay. He had to since Kaidan was the one to let go first. Suck in a breath and wish him luck. Shepard didn't need luck. He could already feel the end. Kaidan wasn't expecting him to be found. He was expecting him to be recovered. And frankly, that was more faith than Shepard had. The reaper's beam looked close, but there was a lot of dead space between them and the Citadel. With one last look, Shepard nodded and turned away. 

And the universe picked up the pace. Horrendously fast, but not fast enough that Shepard didn't have the presence of mind to steel himself. His people. He checked gear. Made speeches. Promised Garrus a seat at the bar. Then it was time. Every atom in his body demanding vengeance. He'd never been so furious or so proud. He and James and Kaidan moved together across London like a river coming together and splitting apart, but always driving forward, unstoppable. They tossed unused heat clips between them as they ran by and behind one another. James made better use of the heavy weapons they scavenged than the best targeting systems in the fleet. Kaidan pulled no punches with his biotics and they shined brighter than Shepard had ever seen. Shepard himself was no slouch with his charges and warp, but Kaidan was nothing short of amazing. Probably overheating his old amp, but never stopping. There was nowhere left to do that. And by the time they were within reach of the dead zone between the ground forces and the beam, Shepard barely glanced at the battlefield before screaming at them all to _go_.

Maybe he would have made it if he hadn't taken that split second after skidding to his knees as a Mako crunched and rolled almost into him. His knee stung where he plowed into it, but the damage was minor, otherwise. Goddamn reaper beam was everywhere the closer they got. Kaidan. _Kaidan_. The biotic's eyes were locked right on Shepard and Shepard stared back, willing him and James to get to cover with him quickly. But it wasn't enough. Their luck only lasted until the devil caught up with them all. Shepard felt the impact of the second Mako a breath before it crashed over the top of the one he was sheltered behind and hit down on its nose with a roar of a searing hot explosion that Shepard could feel through his own armor. He lost sight of Kaidan and James in that instant, but knew they were _right there_. He jumped up, heart in his throat, and leapt over his shelter to the other side. He couldn't see anyone through the smoke for a moment, but soon caught sight of James. He held out his hand and the large marine waved him off as he rolled over onto his side.

Kaidan. Shit. Even from a distance the wounds looked bad. His armor was wrecked and blood splattered everywhere. Shepard had to get his team out of there. Now. No more of this. No more. It was the end of the battle for them. They'd come so far. Far enough. But Shepard couldn't take it if he lost what he was fighting for. The only thing he had left was his courage and love for Kaidan. And it was just barely sustaining him. He hoisted Kaidan up and guided him back to the other Mako and called for an evac, praying Joker could get there. It seemed to take an eternity, but the best pilot in the galaxy got to them finally. He rushed James and Kaidan to the _Normandy_ and called for Vega to take Kaidan as he felt the biotic try to jerk back away from the ship. He knew what Shepard meant to do. 

_I fucking love you, Kaidan. I always will, for the rest of my life. As short or as long as that is._

He waited for James to haul the unwilling biotic up the ramp. He heard Kaidan call his name.

Feeling the heat of the reaper beam more and more around them, he said desperately, "you gotta get out of here!"

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen."

Shepard didn't know what he'd expected, but it shouldn't have been Kaidan's willingness to follow his orders. It lit a fire in his chest the way it had years ago. And it had to stop. Kaidan had to live. There was simply no other option. "Don't argue with me, Kaidan." _It's the only way._

Then everything seemed to fade away as he drank in the look on Kaidan's face. He _knew._ Shepard was trying to say goodbye and it was the one time in their entire relationship that Kaidan wasn't going to just let it happen. "Don't leave me behind." The plea struck Shepard on every nerve. Every muscle. Every part of his entire being. He couldn't stand it, but he had to. It was the only way. Kaidan was reliving every moment of their time together. Shepard could see it. From that first, awkward kiss that had tasted like butter salty tears, to the kiss at their wedding which had tasted like happy salty tears. The way they touched each other and moved together. Private moments and public moments. Love and lust and confusion. Kaidan's thin body when they'd embraced in Vancouver after Shepard's basic training. The roaring in Shepard's head when they'd met again on the SR-1. All of it added up. And all of it _mattered._ It was his life. The life that Kaidan had inspired him to create and build and never lose sight of. _Kaidan. Kaidan._ He was the reason that Commander John Shepard was the man that he was today. Major Kaidan Alenko was a fucking miracle.

Shepard took the precious seconds he should have been letting the _Normandy_ clear the planet to walk up the ramp and touch Kaidan's face. Get his last good look. Fall in love as much as he possibly could before the end of his story. "No matter what happens," he promised, "know that I love you. Always."

He wiped the tears leaving dirty tracks on Kaidan's face as the biotic touched his glove and accepted the declaration for what it was. "I love you, too," he answered in misery. 

Shepard pressed forward for one last hard kiss that tasted like thermal clips before he was backing down the ramp again and memorizing Kaidan's broken expression. _I won't let you down, even though I'm leaving. You're my strength._ Then the doors were closing and Joker was beating feet to get the ship out of there. Shepard followed it with his eyes, gritting his teeth and watching it clear the reaper's beam. Only after it had, and he'd lost sight of it, did Shepard turned his focus back to the goal. And he ran. Ran until the world exploded around him and he felt his skin burn. His armor sear and melt onto his skin. With throbbing fingers, he barely held onto his sidearm as he fell in the reaper's beam. _Not yet. Not like this._

His body didn't even feel like his own. The pain was so intense he couldn't focus on it; the smell of his charred and ruined skin nearly making him wretch. He managed to push himself to his knees. Husks. He aimed with a shaking arm and pulled the trigger. _Not yet._ His feet were under him, but he couldn't stand straight. Everything felt broken. But there was no one else left. He counted the bodies as he counted his steps to the blue light. And then he was in it and everything went bright with a violent flash and washed away to total, suffocating darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I _think_ there's only going to be one more chapter, but I'm not sure yet. And I really, truly will try to get it done soon. I almost had this one done, but I lost my job and my cancer returned and I went broke and a lot of other bad shit happened, so it took so much longer than I wanted it to. But as part of my therapy, I've been writing and writing some more. That means there's hope of my finishing this story eventually!
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH again for your patience. You are the hardcore of dedicated readers sending me notes and constant support, and I'm more than ever bolstered by your comments and kudos now. So, thank you! I promise to send our boys out in a way befitting of your loyalty and readership! <3


	13. Earth II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 13: And end, once and for all.

He'd thought that no one else had made it. Had _hoped_ that no one else had made it. This... horrific sight. The bodies. The pieces. The _smell_. Shepard rolled over onto his stomach and gagged; a second time when he realized he was kneeling in a pool of blood that wasn't mostly his. _Have to get up. Have to keep moving._

"Shepard?"

Shepard's stomach bottomed out. Oh, no. "Anderson?" Confirmed. Shit. Of all the people to make it here alive... _stay calm._ He asked where Anderson was. No clue. Neither of them had seen this part of the Citadel before. Shepard shuffled forward, straining against his broken bones and blood loss, gripping his sidearm tightly. He didn't think he'd need it because there were only ghosts here, but his fingers wouldn't unclench from the handle. They were probably broken, too. Slowly he passed the stench and the bodies into a vertigo-inducing hall. Anderson was up there. He could feel it. He shuffled faster. _Nothing good ever comes with playing the hero, Anderson. Wait for me to get there. Please._

The closer he dragged himself to his goal, the more out of sorts be began to feel. What was it? Something in his mind, fighting it. Making it fragment. His thoughts... were... strange. Anger he hadn't been feeling before. Rage. Control. Hate. Things that hadn't been a part of him for years, and things that had always been there, mixed and stewed until he was reeling. But he knew what it was. _Indoctrination._ He wasn't at all surprised when he reached a control room and the Illusive Man was standing with Anderson in his thrall.

And when those strange, blue eyes fixed on him, Shepard knew in a second who the Illusive Man really wanted. He felt his arm lifting, muscles twitching against it, his broken fingers bearing down on the trigger. This had to stop. It was the end. Shepard opened his protesting lips. Said everything he could to stop this. There was still time. There still _had_ to be time.

A shot cracked out, and all Shepard could do was wince along with Anderson. _Stop. Please stop this._

It was impossible to tell the amount of time passing as he shoveled through the mess in his head to convince the Illusive Man to give it up. He could almost feel the fleets deteriorating in the sky around them. But just as desperation clawed into his throat, it was over. He watched the Illusive Man gun himself down. He couldn't turn away. And then his body was his own and the pain roared back. So much of it. Anderson was feeling it too because he was sitting not far from where Shepard stood at the control panel, activating the arms of the Citadel. But when Shepard took a seat next to him, he realized Anderson wasn't just resting after a trying time. He was _dying_ and Shepard was responsible for it. Probably responsible for all of it. All the blood being spilled as he could see the fleets falling from the sky.

"Stay with me, Anderson," he said. It was the only thing that came to mind and he knew it was pointless. Especially when his friend and mentor told him with no uncertainty that he was _proud_ of him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Too much lost. He didn't even know if the _Normandy_ was still out there fighting the good fight. Not even when he struggled to make it back to the control panel after Hackett told him their last ditch effort wasn't working. Fuck it. Fuck this all. It hurt too much. What was he supposed to do? It might be impossible after all... right... at the end.

* * *

A child's voice telling him to wake up. Shepard coughed and gasped. Not dead yet. Should be but he wasn't. _Fuck, it hurts. How can it hurt this much?_

One last thing to do. Take his pick. There really wasn't a choice, was there? Shepard crawled to his feet with a light moan. No. It had to end here. There was only one thing to do. There couldn't be reapers anymore. Not even their codes written into anyone's DNA. The Illusive Man had proved that. There wouldn't be peace or rest for anyone until it was over for good. Shepard stumbled forward slowly, eyes on the prize.

Now that he was mind was clear, it wandered almost where he didn't want it to go. He thought about every last person lost on his watch because of this war. The unfairness of their sacrifices. Ashley. Strong and faithful and beyond reproach. She'd been as beautiful in life as he had accepting her death. Thane. Devoted and deadly and more than willing to rest. Legion, an anomaly among the Geth and more human than some of the humans Shepard knew personally. Anderson. The only person who had ever bothered to call Shepard "son," and almost mean it. Mordin. His brilliant death the only way to make things right. How many more? How _many_?! Shepard raised his side arm and pulled the trigger again and again until his thermal clip ran out. And then it was darkness and relief. As his body was thrown back, he remembered this feeling. But this time Kaidan wasn't there to witness it. Wasn't there to give him comfort. _Kaidan. Please be alive... After all this... I love you. 'Always' happened sooner than I wanted..._

* * *

**VANCOUVER**

"I want out of here."

"No."

"Don't argue with me."

"Forget it."

"The air's bad here. I'd heal better in the country."

"Absolutely not."

"I'm your commanding officer."

"Fight my insubordination. Come on. I'm waiting."

"Don't tempt me."

"Okay. Stay awake for more than ten minutes, then."

"Fuck off."

* * *

**BC INTERIOR**

The days were getting shorter and a hell of a lot colder. But Shepard liked it. The air was more clear here and the sunsets weren't the blood red affairs that always forced him to shut the blinds tightly. 

"I brought you a blanket since you insist on sitting out here until the stars are out."

Shepard turned his head slightly. "I'm not convinced there are still stars out there anymore."

Kaidan smiled despite the melancholy and draped the throw blanket over Shepard's legs and up to his chest as the other man shivered slightly. "There are. Billions of them. I saw lots when I was bringing the _Normandy_ back to Earth."

"I'm sorry."

Kaidan's nose scrunched up. "That's become your favorite phrase lately. Wish you'd forget that you know it."

Shepard reached out and caught Kaidan's forearm before he could sit in the rocking chair next to Shepard's unwieldy wheelchair. "I am, though, and you won't let me say it."

Kaidan carefully traced the scars on Shepard's buzzed scalp, still healing, but worlds better than they used to be. "I let you say it all the time."

With a shrug, Shepard's fingers slid down to entwine with Kaidan's. "Sure, but you never accept it."

Kneeling down, Kaidan got to Shepard's eye level and searched his face seriously. "There's nothing to accept, John. Nothing at all. I didn't like not being there with you. I'll never forget it when I let you go... but you came back. That's enough."

"I wasn't going to," he said softly.

Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I know that."

Shepard's body didn't move the way it used to. Might not ever again, but he still tried, looping his arm slowly up around Kaidan's neck with a grunt and tugging him down for another kiss. He was glad it was Kaidan with him. The biotic was indulgent and made Shepard feel like he could still manage on his own. Shepard couldn't do anything the way that he'd ended up, but Kaidan pretended like the arm around his neck was strong enough to actually move him. That a hand on his arm could actually stop him. That his hoarse voice actually carried weight.

Or that his lips could still lead a kiss. Maybe that part was true, though, because when Kaidan pulled back finally, there was that familiar look in his eyes as he said, "we're going to bed now."

"I suppose you won't let me take myself there."

"Not a chance," Kaidan said, reaching down and hefting Shepard into his arms the way he'd done a hundred times by now. "You're gaining weight. That's good."

Shepard chuckled. "You won't be able to manhandle me for much longer the food you've been serving up."

"I will," Kaidan grinned, "just not like this. I'm okay with that."

Shepard enjoyed this sort of distraction while Kaidan carried them to the back master bedroom. He hated being carried and hated being helpless, though he figured Kaidan was as ready for this as anyone could have been. He often said it was better than the alternative.

Besides, he had a way of undressing them both that always felt slightly erotic, even when sex had been the farthest thing from either of their minds. Even now he said, "you sure you're ready for this?"

He didn't know. He didn't know anything for longer than a few minutes these days. His memory was shot to shit, though it got better every day. And he'd sworn he wouldn't lie to Kaidan about anything ever, so he avoided the answer entirely in favor of a slightly wavering smile as he said, "don't promise me something and leave me hanging."

Kaidan pressed him back against the mattress and kissed him again with the length and breadth to prove he wasn't going to do anything of the sort. _Kaidan._ The feeling of guilt at enjoying this surprised him. Nine months of feeling nothing but pain and the occasional longing for Kaidan's skin. And now it was here and he was guilty. Guilty that he was still here to feel anything at all when he'd tried so hard to join all the people who couldn't feel anything anymore.

Kaidan must have known that because his lips were so incredibly gentle as they strayed from Shepard's down his neck to his collar bone and then to his chest, skirting the healing scars, but lingering on the old ones. Shepard tried to arch up. He wanted more. Desperately more, but his body refused. He had to just let Kaidan worship him. Give up control. Give up what he'd fought so hard for him.

"Trust me, Shepard. John."

Shepard's weak hands tangled into Kaidan's hair with a loose grip. Fuck, but he _did_. With everything. All of it. Forever. He would have said so, but Kaidan's mouth had moved on down his lean stomach and over both thighs, spreading him gently. Honestly, Shepard couldn’t bear to open his eyes and look down. So little of his body worked that...

" _Hng,_ damn, Kaidan."

Kaidan chuckled against his inner thigh. "Relax. Were you worried about this, too? Gotta say that I was a little, too, but it's all good now, isn't it?"

More than good. More than all of it. Skin on skin. Some areas were still numb, but not the good parts. He watched Kaidan lubing himself up with a lopsided grin. "You gonna be okay? It's been awhile."

Kaidan shrugged and raised up on his knees. "It hasn't been so long for me. I've been... you know, keeping myself ready."

He wished he could have remembered that. But as Kaidan slid himself down slowly, inch by tight inch, Shepard remembered it all and the guilt was swept away by desire. The thing they'd been fighting for this whole time. Since the beginning. The will to live and move and bury each other with layers of raw emotion. It was Kaidan. And it was love. And it was _life_.

"Ah, _fuck_ , Kaidan!" When he came, he came with every muscle he'd lost control of since he'd finished the war.

A long time must have passed. Long enough for the stars to come out overhead and peek through the skylight. Shepard watched them while hanging onto Kaidan beside him almost reflexively. The sweat was cold on his chest and the backs of his knees. He shivered and Kaidan's reflex was to pull the comforter up over them.

A long time. "Did we really win, Kaidan? I mean, really?"

Long, callused fingers stroked the back of his head and a gentle kiss pressed against his temple. "We did. There's a lot still to do. Rebuilding and healing, but we've come this far. It's not much longer."

Shepard rolled towards his husband and pretended that Kaidan didn't have to drag him the rest of the way until they were facing each other. "I'm happy," he said. "I think I'm going to be happy."

Kaidan grinned. "Yeah?"

"I think... I think I'm going to retire."

That made him laugh. "You already are. Admiral Hackett seems to think saving the galaxy is worth an honorable discharge." He pulled Shepard even closer and this time Shepard didn't have to pretend it was him doing it.

"Stay here. Grow tomatoes. Chop firewood."

Kaidan laughed harder. "Whatever you say."

Shepard waited until Kaidan's laughter had faded before saying. "We've come a long way, you and me. I love you, Kaidan."

Kaidan bent his head forward and kissed Shepard swiftly. "Prove it."

Shepard smiled against his lips. "Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really, really, really want to thank all of you for sticking with this trilogy as I took forever to write it. I know for several months I've been nothing but miserable about getting chapters out. Sort of a reflection of what's happened in my life, but all of you who have kept giving me kudos and commenting and giving me and my story words of support; that's meant so much to me. I'm really sad to see this story go, having followed my headcanon for Shepard and Kaidan since they were lanky, awkward teenagers, but I'm also very happy I got the story out and finished. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please tell me your final thoughts on the story! I'm so grateful to all of you. THANK YOU FOR READING!


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